Holding Onto My Heart
by ilYamaTsuna7227li
Summary: People always say that letting go of a person who doesn't love you back would be so much easier than holding onto the pained feelings constantly in your heart. Tsuna had always had only one guardian. One guardian he loved for most of his life, and he's just realizing now that maybe... the feeling wasn't mutual. But despite knowing this, he still holds on to his pain-filled heart.
1. I can still Feel it

**Author's note: **I've decided to let go of all inhibitions. I'm in my 8027 slump so I'm gonna post every 8027 story I have left in my usb and not care about whether it's finished or not! So yeah, don't hate me in other words, guys?

This is for all of you angst lovers out there. This story actually has a pretty big plot, and I've written it up until chapter 10, but then the mass delete happened and I'm back to chapter 7. So I hope you guys love this. So far this is my sister's favorite out of all my 8027 story. OTL Doesn't that just mean I'm good at angst? And I try so hard to be a fluff writer too!

Also, I'm not satisfied with the title of the chapter so I might change it in the future. Oh and **also**, the first part was based on one doujinshi that I read. It was an irritating doujinshi which ended up in 8059 (no offense to the fans of 8059, really) and I wondered what it would be like if Tsuna had feelings for Yamamoto the whole time. But only the first part is similar to that doujin, the rest is basically my idea. technically the second paragraph and onwards or something like that.

I decided to do it in first person POV so that people would get the emotions more and feel the heart Tsuna felt.

Oh, and the cover picture is like that because, there was actually once scene in one of the chapters that it happened. Coincidence? Maybe!

I hope everyone enjoys the quotes below as well.

* * *

**_Holding onto My Heart_  
**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

_I can still feel it…_

_The feeling of your arms around me…_

_And as I curl up all alone in my bed, I feel like you're there beside me…_

_But the truth is…_

_I'm all alone aren't I?_

* * *

**Sawada Tsunayoshi's POV**

"I don't need your life…" I said coolly to the person kneeling before me after I abruptly snapped out of my HDW mode. And that was true…

All my life I have learned that no one really actually needed me and in turn I never needed anyone too. Except for… Yamamoto.

Being the sole heir of the Vongola family, I was taught to be different from other children. I was taught to hide my emotions, to put on a pleasant face despite what I was feeling, and to never ever trust anyone. And I couldn't say that it wasn't hard at all…

_I was all alone…_

"_Tsunayoshi-kun, come here for a second." Came the soft voice of the ninth boss of the Vongola Family._

"_Yes grandfather." I said curtly as I walked at a leisurely pace. I stood in front of him as he placed an arm around me._

"_Tsunayoshi-kun, I would like you to meet someone." The ninth said as he extended his hand. I looked curiously at what he was pointing at. Before me, stood a black-haired boy around my age who was also looking at me curiously. "This is Takeshi-kun, he will be your guardian of Rain starting today."_

_I blinked as a frown made its way to my face. __**But he's too young! **__I wanted to protest. However I just bit my lip and put on a smile like always._

"_Nice to meet you." I said extending my hand formally. He looked at the hand I extended curiously. I looked at grandfather, wondering why he wasn't shaking my hand. Wasn't it common courtesy?_

_Timoteo chuckled as he placed my hand down._

"_No, no Tsunayoshi-kun… Takeshi-kun comes from Japan… He isn't familiar with Italian courtesy." Timoteo said with a smile._

"_Oh." I said as I looked at 'Takeshi'. The boy named Takeshi looked back at me before he smiled. I blinked in astonishment._

"_Yoh!" He said cheerfully. I stood there watching him, not knowing what to say. "I'm Yamamoto Takeshi! You must be Tsuna! Nice to meet you!"_

That was the first time I saw Yamamoto and heard him speak. He was an incredibly cheerful person and I just couldn't believe he could be so carefree.

_Nice to meet you!_

No one has ever told me that me that before. People would just tell me it was a 'pleasure meeting my acquaintance'. I knew the double-meaning to those words.

After all, who would want to meet the only heir to the deadly Vongola Family?

But Yamamoto…

…As always, my rain guardian was different. He never failed to surprise me.

At times when I was lonely and scared…

At times when I was scorned and mocked behind my back…

For some reason he was always there…

"_Shh… Tsuna it's okay, I'm here…" _I could remember his soft whisper as he held me gently. It was one of those days where I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the deep hatred in everyone's eyes as they looked at me, or the happiness normal people radiated whenever I went outside. I wished for a normal life, and I wished for it so much that it hurt.

"_Everything will be fine… I'm here…" Yamamoto murmured._

Truly like the rain that washes away everything. And at that moment I was struck by his words, at how true they were.

_**He**__ was there… Everything would be fine because he was there. _And that was all the reassurance, I needed.

"J-jyuudaime…" The person before me said. He was an Italian with silver hair and captivating dull green eyes. He had sworn his allegiance to me after I saved him from his own negligence. "I-"

"I don't need nor do I want your life…" I repeated quietly as I turned around. Yamamoto was on the sidelines waiting for me to finish. Reborn was perched on his shoulder like always. I walked towards my rain guardian, leaving the Italian kneeling on the ground. It would be better if he didn't get involved with someone like me. He would be happier. I didn't want to condemn him to a life filled with sorrow and blood.

_And Yamamoto?_

My heart ached painfully at the thought of my rain guardian. I was being selfish, I know. But I wasn't strong enough to let him go. I know that deep in my heart I could live through this life of killing and bloodshed as long as I had him with me. He was the only one keeping me strong through this whole ordeal.

"_You know, relying on one thing to be both your strength and weakness will eventually lead to your downfall." _I could literally hear Reborn say. But I could care less. I needed Yamamoto like a person needed oxygen to breath.

"Yamamoto…" I said with a smile as I pocketed my mittens. "Let's go."

"A-ah, j-just a second." Yamamoto said, a distracted look in his eyes. I blinked. Yamamoto was distracted? I watched stunned as he switched his gaze to the Italian still kneeling on the ground. My heart shook in fear.

"I'll catch up with you later Tsuna." Yamamoto bid me as he walked towards the silver-haired. _Gokudera Hayato._

Reborn jumped off his shoulder and unto mine as he stared at my expression. I could see in those blank black eyes that I looked like the world had just come crumbling down around me.

"You look stupider than usual." Reborn said commenting on my expression.

"When have I never looked stupid in your eyes?" I said half-attempting humor. I looked backwards to where Yamamoto was walking towards Gokudera.

"He asked me about the Italians's past." Reborn said, answering an unasked question.

"Is that so?" I said softly as my eyes shadowed.

"He seemed fairly interested in him." Reborn continued on mercilessly. My lips twitched humorlessly.

"It's sort of obvious." I said in a soft tone. "Yamamoto isn't the type to hide his interests."

"How are you feeling?" Reborn asked, scrutinizing my every twitch.

"Like a boulder going a hundred kilometers per second just hit me on the stomach…" I replied absently.

"Huh, at least you can still feel something." Reborn said with a nonchalant shrugged. Trust him to find an upside on every situation.

"True." I answered as I looked forward once more. "Let's get going. I think Yamamoto wants to talk with Gokudera-kun alone."

"I doubt he'll make much progress with him though." Reborn reassured me.

Somehow that made me feel better…

"I hope so…" I said to myself. And once it was out, I felt guilty. Reborn didn't comment on what I said. And so without so much as a backward glance, I went forward.

* * *

I made my way to the classroom a can of soda in my hand.

"You're going to die of starvation someday." Reborn commented at my choice of lunch.

I shrugged as I opened the soda. "So be it." My tutor sighed. I chuckled a bit as I walked to Class 2A. I reached out and opened the door to our room.

"Hey Gokudera let's eat lunch together!" Came a familiar voice. My eyes widened. It was Yamamoto.

"Eat lunch by yourself baseball idiot!" I could hear Gokudera's voice. But my eyes were focused solely on Yamamoto.

I dropped the soda I had been carrying and I heard the dull thunk that it made on the floor. I could hear girls squeak as my liquid soda splashed at them.

Both Yamamoto and Gokudera looked up.

"Hey what was that for?" A girl demanded shrilly at me. My eyes were shadowed behind my bangs as I answered with an automatic smile that made people's breaths hitch.

"I'm sorry, it seemed like my hand slipped." I said, not letting my distress show in my tone.

"A-ah, i-it's fine then." The girl said nervously.

"Tsuna?" I heard the chair drag across the floor. Yamamoto had gotten up to check on me. He knew my face well. I thought it was ironic that he did.

"Excuse me, it seemed like I have to go back for something." I said as the smile spread across my face again. My classmates nodded dumbly as I turned round, eager to get away from them, from Gokudera… and most of all, from Yamamoto…

"Tsuna!"

I ran across the hall, mentally making an excuse that the reason why my eyes were burning was because of the air pressure.

"Rooftop?" Reborn said quietly. I forgot that he was still sitting on top of my head.

"Yeah." I croaked out as I made a sharp turn. I narrowly bumped into the head prefect but I ignored him. My emotions were too unstable at the moment.

"He'll get you for that you know." Reborn said as he read the blood thirsty aura the prefect was emitting.

"Let him." I said quietly. I had a feeling that I needed to let my emotions out one way or another. And a fight seemed like a good outlet.

"He'll give you some space for now." Reborn continued. "It seemed like he saw your expression."

I choked out a laugh. "You're making me curious as to what I look like right now." I said as I took the steps of the stairs to the rooftop, two at a time.

"Want me to tell you?" Reborn said quietly.

"No…" I said as I threw open the door to the rooftop. "Because I pretty much know that I look like crap."

The sun blinded me for a moment as I entered my most favorite place in the whole wide world. The first time I ever came to this school, the first thing I checked out was the rooftop. And I loved it immediately.

My knees buckled beneath me as I fell unto a kneel. My breath came out in short rasps as I placed a hand on my face, covering it.

I felt Reborn jump away from me and sit down on the floor beside me. He stayed there quietly, watching me as I slowly broke down.

I looked down on the floor, watching as my tears hit the ground. It was pathetic… but I wasn't referring to the tears. I was referring to how I felt and what I thought.

It was pathetic for me to think that Yamamoto would always stay by me…

It was pathetic for me to think that Yamamoto would never find someone he _likes_…

It was pathetic for me to think that he liked me back…

All in all, I was a pathetic looser.

I sat back exhausted. The tears still continued to run down my cheeks, but I ignored them.

"Finally calmed down?" Reborn asked as I sniffed a bit while rubbing my eyes in irritation.

"Sure." I answered as I took a deep breath.

"So want to tell me what's up with your reaction?" Reborn asked. Instantly I put down my hand as my eyes softened. "Was Yamamoto asking Gokudera out to lunch really that surprising?"

"If you'd been with Yamamoto as long as I have then yeah… It's really that _surprising._" I said as I leaned against the wall and looked up. "As long as I've known him, Yamamoto has never before asked anyone out to eat with him. He always thought that if people wanted him to eat with them then that's good but he'd never force other people to eat with him. Ever since I was a kid, it's always me who'd ask him to eat with me and my grandpa. He'd smile and that was that…" _But secretly, I wanted him to tell me to eat with him for once. Secretly, I wanted him to look at me and say… 'Let's eat lunch together instead'._

"Aren't you over-reading the situation a bit Tsuna?" Reborn asked as he raised an eyebrow. "Maybe he just felt sorry for Gokudera that's why-?"

I shook my head frantically. "Yamamoto's not the type of person to feel sorry for anyone Reborn. And besides it's more than just feeling sorry…He feels fascinated."

"That's an interesting way to phrase it." Reborn said. I hugged my legs to my chest and closed my eyes. "So what are you going to do now?"

"I'm not sure…" I began as I thought of Yamamoto's face… his smile. "I just wish my heart would wake up from this spell-like haze I'm under."

"You love him that much huh?" Reborn said.

"Much…much more." I mumbled as I buried my face on my knees. "More than I think I should."

"You know, since Gokudera's so devoted to you, you can just order him to stay away from Yamamoto." Reborn said thoughtlessly. "He'd probably be happy to oblige."

I didn't even look up to that suggestion. And I'm ashamed to say that I've already thought of it. But then, I just didn't have the heart to do that. To see my most precious person's smile fade… Huh, even I have something I treasure.

"I can't do that Reborn." I said in a muffled broken voice. "I don't want to see Yamamoto sad."

"You've got it bad." Reborn said, I rolled my eyes. Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

I sighed as I stood up and stretched. I looked at my watch and saw that I've been here for about ten minutes. No doubt Yamamoto (and Gokudera too) had already gone looking for me. I looked at the sky blankly. I was the 'sky' of the Vongola family. Yet somehow I just couldn't see how I could be like the sky. The one that embraces all… after all, the only one I wanted to embrace and to keep in my clutches forever was Yamamoto. I didn't even want any other guardians.

"I'm probably the most selfish sky out there." I mumbled as I turned around and grabbed the door knob.

"No arguments there." Reborn said much to my chagrin.

* * *

I opened the door to our classroom with a sigh. As I expected, seventh period had already begun.

"Sawada where were you?" The teacher demanded. I suppressed another sigh.

"Just went to get some fresh air." I said with a heart-stopping smile. My sensei stuttered and I mentally frowned. So easy. Too easy.

"O-okay then, please go to your seat." The teacher said as he fumbled with the paper in his hands. I nodded absently as I walked forward. The first thing I noticed was that Yamamoto and Gokudera's seats were all empty.

_Probably looking for me. _I thought.

_Together. _My eyes dulled at the thought as I sat down. Running away was the stupidest decision I've ever made.

"Stop following me baseball idiot!" I suddenly heard from the outside. My eyes snapped immediately to the window. Our classroom was situated on the second floor but I could see the other two perfectly from where I was seated.

"Maa… maa… Don't be like that Gokudera!" I could hear Yamamoto say. And for a moment my heart twinged in pain. I could hear the excitement and happiness in his tone.

"Leave me alone! I can look for jyuudaime by myself." Gokudera shouted in annoyance. He was so angry that he failed to see the banana peel in front of him.

"Oi watch out!" Yamamoto said as he reached out and grabbed the bomber.

"Gah!" Gokudera said as he fell forward, dragging Yamamoto with him.

My eyes widened as I saw the inevitable end this would cause. I just sat there gapping as Yamamoto fell on top of Gokudera in a compromising position. I just sat there, watching as I saw their lips smash against each other.

_No! _Was my heart's unheard cry.

"OI!" Suddenly came the teacher's cry as he walked toward the window. It seemed like he also heard the two bickering from the classroom. He had missed the most essential part. By the time he went to the window to shout at the two, Yamamoto and Gokudera had already pushed away from each other. (Gokudera did most of the pushing) My bangs shadowed my eyes, concealing my thoughts.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" I felt the rest of the class cringe at the loud voice. "HOW DARE YOU SKIP CLASSES?"

"Ahaha! Gomen!" Yamamoto said as he looked up with a sheepish smile and a blush. My heart thudded painfully against my chest.

"Che." Gokudera said as he crossed his arms and looked away with a bright blush.

"WHY YOU-!" The teacher began, reaching his boiling point. But then I interrupted him.

"Sensei." I said in a dead voice. My face felt oddly blank and my body felt cold somehow. "Please excuse their behavior for now." I continued. It was the boss' responsibility to take the blame for his subordinates' mistakes. "They were looking for me so it's really my fault. Please punish me instead." I said.

I saw my teacher flinch from the look on my face as he gulped. "I-I see… Well then Sawada, I'll give an exception for now. Tell your friends not to get in trouble again because I won't be so lenient next time." He said in warning.

"Yes." I answered robotically. The teacher nodded, satisfied as he put his head out the window again.

"The two of you, come back to the classroom!" The teacher said. "I won't punish you for this. Be thankful that Sawada explained the situation."

At the sound of my name, Yamamoto and Gokudera's heads both snapped up… but I already moved away from the window. I moved my desk as far away from the window as I could and afterwards, I placed my arms on the table and buried my head on them.

After a few minutes I heard hurried footsteps and then the sound of the door opening. My arms tightened defensively around me.

"Tsuna!" I heard Yamamoto say and in the next second he was beside me.

"Oi! Get back to your seats!" The teacher said in the background but then he was quiet. I think Gokudera was giving him a deathly stare.

"I'm so glad you're okay Tsuna. Where were you?" I heard my guardian say beside me but I did not look up. My eyes were full of tears.

"Tsuna?" I heard Yamamoto say my name worriedly. He shook my shoulder gently but I didn't want to budge. I already know what would happen if I look up… I'll probably lose it and start crying or something.

"Tsuna please-" But then what he was about to say was interrupted when the door to our classroom opened. I felt a strong killing intent as the person who disrupted entered.

"Hi-Hibari-san!" The teacher said, his voice shaking in fear. "I-Is there something you need?"

"Where is the herbivore named Sawada Tsunayoshi?" He said into the room. My head looked up automatically. My eyes met with steel cold grey ones. Oh right. Reborn warned me about this.

The head prefect walked towards me, his eyes narrowing at the sight of tears on the sides of my face. Thankfully only he could see it because my bangs were hiding my tearful eyes.

"Still not done crying?" He mouthed to me and I frowned. Right, definitely going to fight this guy AND defeat him. I gritted my teeth together as my fists clenched. At the corner of my eyes I could see Yamamoto observing our exchange.

"Oi! What do you want with tenth?" Gokudera suddenly said stepping in front of me. I looked up startled. What's Gokudera doing?

"Hm? Another herbivore who wants to be bitten?" Hibari said as he readied his tonfas. The bomber flinched slightly. I raised a hand about to pull Gokudera back but then.

"Oi Gokudera." Yamamoto said as he placed a hand on the Italian's shoulder. "Calm down, Tsuna can take care of himself but _you_ don't have a chance against Hibari."

My eyes widened at what Yamamoto said. Wasn't he _my_ guardian?

"Wha-? What the hell baseball idiot?" Gokudera said as he angrily threw off Yamamoto's hand. "Are you saying I'll lose to this guy?"

"Gokudera that's not-"

"Enough." I said in a cold tone I rarely used. Both Yamamoto and Gokudera froze, all of my classmates were shivering in fear, and even Hibari twitched.

"I've had enough." I continued in that bone-chilling tone. I had stood up, my eyes were now narrowed as I looked at Hibari, no longer hiding my eyes behind my bangs. "Let's get this over with Hibari."

The prefect smiled in approval. "Definitely." And with that he walked out of the door, with me following behind him.

When the two were gone, everyone was finally able to breathe again.

"J-Jyuudaime…" Gokudera said as he immediately moved forward to follow the brunet. But then he stopped when he realized that Yamamoto was not following. "Oi! Aren't you the tenth's guardian? What the heck are you standing around for?"

"Tsuna…" Yammaoto said, still stunned. Although it seemed like he was stunned for a different reason. Because you see, as Tsuna's guardian he was already used to the death stares and killing auras his boss gave off. What truly caught him unprepared was…

"Tsuna…" Yamamoto said again as he thought back to Tsuna's eyes being narrowed and the angry tone in his voice. But then there was one thing that caught Yamamoto's eyes… It was the tears on the sides of the other's face.

_Tsuna, was he… crying?_

* * *

"_Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet."_

**Author's note: **Yeah, my lifelong dream has always been to make my readers cry. I wonder if this story will get a lot of reviews, I hope it does. Please do read and review. Your reviews will really help me out of my 8027 slump. Thank you very much!


	2. My Heart was Taken by You

**Author's Notes: **I think in order to balance my studies well with my writing, I'll update something in the 8027 community at least once a week. The fic I'll update will depend on the type of inspiration I will get on that week. If I don't get any, I'll simply upload chapters I have already, like this one. I'll try to go finish my stories one by one. I'm aiming to finish **Personal Guardian** soon, and hopefully it'll be followed by **Parallel to His Heart**, and lastly **Ghost of a Past Love****. **Maybe before my birthday I'll get to finish all of this, at the very least before my qualification exams. But the earliest (if I have any time and everything goes as planned) would be before the end of February._  
_

Anyway, here's the next chapter!

* * *

**_Holding Onto My Heart_  
Chapter 2  
**

_My heart was taken by you... broken by you... and now it is in pieces because of you._

* * *

"Are you ready then? Crying herbivore?" Hibari said as he stood ready in front of me. We were currently at the baseball field for our battle.

"Whenever you are." I nodded as I closed my eyes. I could feel the Vongola blood inside me boiling in anticipation at the upcoming fight. I usually suppressed it because I never really liked fighting. But now…

An image of what happened earlier flashed in my mind.

_Calm down, Tsuna can take care of himself but _you_ don't have a chance against Hibari. _Yamamoto was saying with worry as he grabbed Gokudera's shoulder. Worry for the bomber not for me.

_Ah, honestly… How many more heartbreaks will I have to go through for today?_

I opened my eyes slowly. In front of me, I could see Hibari freeze slightly. He's probably surprised by the change in my eye color. I just stood there, my eyes half-open as I slowly began to recollect the heartfelt pain I experienced earlier. The pain in my heart begun to build up and I let it… knowing that this will be my only opportunity to let everything out…

All my sadness, all my despair, all my locked up pain…

My eyes looked sideways as I saw students peering outside of the windows to watch our fight. I also saw Gokudera and Yamamoto running to where we were. I unconsciously clenched my fist.

"Let's go." I said and that was the only signal I gave Hibari before I was rushing at him like there was no tomorrow.

Hibari was a good fighter, I knew that, which was why I decided to let all my frustrations out on this fight. But I did not use my mittens because I was afraid I might go overboard.

I started out light. I dodged all of his incoming attacks. I jumped and rolled away, doing my best to avoid his tonfas. Which reminded me, I had no weapon.

Hibari seemed to be annoyed at this fact. So he increased his hits with vigor. Finally, getting tired with the game, I caught one of his incoming attacks and held him steady. With that as a distraction I aimed a kick on his stomach. My eyes flashed momentarily in despair, letting a bit of my frenzied emotion out in that one hit and when the hit landed, I could see Hibari's eyes widen as he was thrown backward.

I jumped away from the prefect, regretting the fact that I lost my control over my emotions. Even if it was just for a second.

"I-" I begun, wanting to apologize but then Hibari glared at me.

"Shut up." He said annoyed. "Let's continue. And this time…"

Hibari rushed at me and my eyes widened at his speed.

"…no holding back." He whispered before he aimed a very powerful hit at my stomach. I was thrown backward by the force. I could feel the pain on my stomach and to my chagrin I realized I did not mind it very much.

For some odd reason… I'd rather take this pain a hundred times and be grateful rather than take the pain my heart throws at me.

Oh man… when did I become such a masochist?

I stood up shakily as I clutched my stomach. I felt a trickle of blood at the corner of my mouth and I raised a shaking hand to wipe it off. Hibari walked towards me, his eyebrow raised curiously.

"Strange. Aren't you going to hit me back?" Hibari said in his cold tone. "Didn't you want to let all your frustrations out, herbivore?"

My eyes widened at his correct assumption.

"Well?" Hibari continued as he readied his tonfas. "What are you waiting for?"

And without another word I rushed forward. I threw a flurry of punches at Hibari as he blocked it all with his tonfas. I jumped and gave him an air kick which he also blocked. A second after the kick I grabbed his tonfa, forcefully steadying him as I aimed a kick at his legs but then he dodged and I grunted in disappointment before I used my other hand to hit him across the head.

However, I seemed to have forgotten that I was only fighting bare handed and he had 2 steel tonfas in his aid.

"Pathetic." Hibari said as he hit me across the face and I fell to the ground. I coughed at the dust that surrounded me. The President of the Disciplinary committee walked towards me with an expressionless face. I just looked back at him with a blank face as he stood over me.

Pathetic. I mouthed the words at him with empty humor. I've already used that word on myself, Hibari.

The head prefect grabbed me by the collar as he lifted me up and stared at my eyes. He frowned at me as though he saw something that disappointed him.

"There is no fire in your eyes." He said before he threw me to the ground. "I don't like fighting people who don't even have the resolve to fight. They're just pathetic herbivores." With that said, he began to walk away, leaving me staring blankly on the ground.

"Tsuna!"

"Jyuudaime!"

I did not bother looking up as I stood up and dusted my pants. I felt the two stop beside me but I kept my eyes firmly on the ground.

"Tsuna are you okay? Does it hurt anywhere?" Yamamoto, my childhood friend was the first to ask. I shook my head numbly as I begun to walk forward, limping slightly.

"Wait jyuudaime-!" Gokudera said and I felt him grab my arm. I had a crazy impulse to hurl it off or do a judo move on him but instead I froze. "Jyuudaime, we saw Hibari hit you on the stomach and on your face… Please don't say that it's just nothing."

"It _is_ nothing." I insisted in a soft voice as I carefully removed myself from Gokudera's grasp. "I'll be fine, these are just minor bruises."

"Tsuna." Yamamoto spoke again, and I find myself still unable to look at him on the face. Because if I did, I'll probably just remember that scene with him and Gokudera-

"Tsuna, you've been acting strange. Are you alright?" Yamamoto asked me as he placed a hand on my injured cheek. I flinched from the touch and he retracted his hand immediately, thinking that he hurt me.

Well, he wasn't that far from the truth.

"I'm fine." I assured my rain guardian as I stepped back, making sure that there was a distance between us to emphasize that I did not want him touching me at the moment. Not now, when my heart was at conflict. Every touch of his will probably just bring me pain. "I just…" I begun, before I hesitated. "Let's just go home." I finished as I turned around and left.

_Really and truly pathetic…_

* * *

It was late at night and I…

…was currently standing outside of Yamamoto's room hugging a pillow.

I know, I know… It's weird for a boss to visit a colleague late at night but… Well I just couldn't sleep. And when I couldn't sleep, I sleep next to Yamamoto who always welcomes me into his room with open arms.

But… things have changed now. I can't stand being near to Yamamoto without feeling pain.

And so which brings us here…

Me, standing alone outside someone's room feeling cold.

"Urgh, what am I doing here anyway?" I said as I buried my face on my pillow. If I couldn't stand being near him, then why am I here?

_It's because I secretly yearn for his warmth._

I leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down to floor. I looked at the window, my eyes mesmerized by the ethereal glow the moon casted. Was I going to stay outside of Yamamoto's room for the rest of the night? Yearning for something I can never ever reach?

The answer would be yes…

And so for hours I just sat there, outside of Yamamoto's room. A bit content and a bit disgruntled that I was out here all alone. But I knew things would be easier this way. I had to keep my distance… I would try to become selfless… I would let Yamamoto have what he wants and I will help him with it. It's the least I could do for him. He who has sacrificed so much for me.

_It's time I give something in return… No matter how much pain I must endure. _I thought to myself before I slowly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The next day…

I woke up abruptly when I felt the warm rays of the sun touch my skin. I blinked a couple of times as I rubbed my eyes. It seemed like I fell asleep outside of Yamamoto's room. I stood up shakily, stretching and then wincing. Sleeping against the wall was tiring.

I sneezed lightly before I realized that I might have caught a small flu because of sleeping on the floor.

But then I was snapped out of my musings when Yamamoto's bedroom door opened. I heard my rain guardian yawn before he scratched his head and looked around. His gaze stopped at me and he took in the fact that I was outside his room so early in the morning.

"Ah Tsuna! Good morning!" Yamamoto said to me cheerfully. He looked at the pillow I was hugging and then at my pajamas. "Still not ready yet?" He asked confused because usually when I go out of my room I was already dressed.

Instantly I put on my 'boss face' (I decided this was the best way to stay away from him without showing much of my emotions) as I answered. "I went to get something I forgot before getting dressed." I answered coolly before turning my back on the swordsman. "I will be ready in a few minutes and it would be best if you would be ready too. The car leaves in 15 minutes." And with that said I rushed off.

"Tsuna?" I heard Yamamoto call behind me but I did not look back.

_I'm sorry Yamamoto… _I thought as my eyes shadowed. _But I have to get used to the fact that…_

…_you won't always be here for me._

* * *

"Hey Tsuna… You've been really quiet lately. Is there something wrong?" Yamamoto asked me as the two of us were already settled in the car. His voice broke through my concentration and I unwillingly looked at him.

"Hm?" I said with a fake amused smile. "What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong."

"Are you sure? I mean you…" Yamamoto began but then he trailed off silently as he stared at my face. He tried to scrutinize my expression. He usually did this so that he can worm something out of me… but I held strong. He didn't need to know of the internal struggle I was going through.

A weary sight escaped his lips as he looked at my martyred expression. "Tsuna why don't you talk to me anymore?"

My eyes widened at what he said before the shock slipped away. I turned away from him, looking instead at the scenery outside.

There was silence and at the corner of my eyes I saw Yamamoto open his mouth to ask again but I beat him to it.

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to…" I begun, still not looking at the amber eyes that have long held my interest. I placed a hand under my chin as my bangs shadowed and I continued to speak. "It's just that everything I wanted to say is something I can't tell you anymore."

Yamamoto looked at me in confusion as he tried to discern the meaning behind my words.

"Are you…" He began slowly. "Keeping something from me?"

"I am…" I said no pretense whatsoever. _And it's the same thing you're keeping from me. _And just as I thought that, an image of a happy Yamamoto beside a pissed off Gokudera flashed in my mind. I closed my eyes, willing the image away.

Yamamoto opened his mouth probably to question me again but then the car suddenly stopped. The driver peeked at us and said. "We have arrived."

"Thank you." I said to the driver curtly before I reached for the car door and opened it. Seeing that I was leaving, Yamamoto hurried to open his side of the door as well.

"Thank you mister!" Yamamoto said with a cheerful smile to driver. The driver smiled back and I also couldn't help but smile. Really, that guy never changes. I dragged my bag out of my seat before I abruptly closed the door behind me. I turned and with a deep breath headed towards our classroom with Yamamoto behind me.

* * *

_One day your heart will be bounded with shackles, Vongola. You should be careful._

_You're in over your head Dame-Tsuna. You shouldn't cling to him like a life-preserver._

_Kufufufu, I see… Even the Vongola boss is weak against __**that.**_

_One day you will understand little bro. But I just hope that, that one day doesn't come for your sake._

I opened my eyes groggily as I groaned at the stiffness of my position. It looks like I fell asleep during break. I straightened up and looked around. The classroom was almost empty, everyone was probably off to get some snacks or lunch or whatever.

My head automatically turned to Yamamoto's seat. It was empty. I turned to look at Gokudera's seat, it was empty as well. No doubt, those two were together.

A familiar searing pain made me unconsciously grip my front shirt. Ah really, I would never get used to this. I stood up, wanting to distract myself wanting to think of something else. I walked towards the window trying to distract my eyes at least.

_Be careful…_

My eyes widened as I heard that familiar voice in my head. Ah I almost forgot… I was just having a dream about those times weren't I?

_Don't be an idiot._

I chuckled to myself as I recalled those words. It was one of the first warnings I've received.

My eyes softened as I remembered. It was quite disturbing to find out that almost all of the people I've considered 'close' knew of my secret crush on Yamamoto. And also, almost all of them had given me a warning against it.

_One day your heart will be bounded with shackles, Vongola. You should be careful. _I could remember this line clearly. It was one of my favorite mechanics who uttered it. Spanner, an ex-mechanic of the Millefiore. We were at my farewell party in the Vongola main mansion. He had been observing me, watching as my eyes followed Yamamoto reverently. I guess I was too obvious…

I was supposed to be talking with Spanner about the contacts and the head phones he gave me but I was distracted by the fact that girls kept approaching my rain guardian so yeah…

"_A human's heart is difficult to understand."_ Spanner lectured me and I almost rolled my eyes when he said 'human'. It's as though he didn't consider himself the same type of species. _"My studies show that much, so it's not surprising that I don't understand your preference to your guardian but I do know one thing, Vongola…"_

I looked at him when he said that and he stared at me with piercing eyes.

"_When it concern matters of the heart, you should be careful…"_

_Be careful…_

Another one of the robotics expert's wise words. Which brings us back to the _other wise words (*cough *warnings*cough*) _given to me by the most unexpected people.

"_You know Tsuna, I worry about you sometimes."_ Dino, my self-proclaimed big brother said to me one day when he visited the mansion to check-up on me. He felt that it was his duty to see how I was doing at least once a week.

"_And why would you worry about me?"_ I said as I raised a curious eyebrow at him. _"Aren't you the one who caused a blunder with an important alliance meeting last week? I should be worrying about __**you**__. Haven't I told you to keep Enzo locked up when someone visits?"_

Dino blushed as he cleared his throat to hide his embarrassment. I mentally rolled my eyes. _"We're not talking about me." _He said trying to stay clear of the subject. _"We're talking about you. And like I said I'm worried about __**you**__. We don't have to worry about me, many people already worry about me."_

"_Glad to see you understand."_ I mumbled but Dino did not seem to hear because he continued.

"_Honestly little brother, I think you're __**too**__ serious sometimes." _Dino said as we walked through the garden. _"You're what? 14? You should be having fun once in a while and goofing around! Not staying cooped up in your office doing paper work!"_

"_I'm sorry Dino-san but I've already given up the pretense of being a normal 14-year-old. Haven't we talked about that already?"_ I said as I stopped by a rose bush to look at the roses. Dino stopped beside me.

The bucking bronco sighed. _"Yes, I know but still Tsuna…"_ I reached out my hand to a rose absent-mindedly_. "…that's not the only thing I worry about you…"_ The sudden serious tone in Dino's voice made me look up. I was so startled that I accidentally pricked my finger on one of the thorns.

"_Ah! You're bleeding!"_ Dino said as he took a handkerchief from his pocket. He took my hand and looked at the tiny injury. I sighed in exasperation.

"_It's fine… It doesn't hurt."_ I said with a frown. Dino frowned at my attitude.

"_That's another thing I worry about you Tsuna." _Dino said as he carefully wrapped my injured hand in his handkerchief. _"When you're in pain, you disregard it like it doesn't matter. Normal people don't do that."_

"_I guess I'm abnormal then."_ I shrugged. Dino shook his head as he let go of my hand. I looked at him curiously. The Cavallone boss looked at the rose that pricked me and he slowly picked it from its bush. He gave it to me and I could see a tiny droplet of my blood on its stem.

"_You're too serious and you don't care much about yourself."_ Dino said as he watched me take the rose without hesitation. _"I'm honestly afraid to see you fall in love with him."_

My eyes snapped towards Dino as I said, _"What?"_

Dino sighed as he shook his head again. _"Oh come on Tsuna. It's obvious, you like Yamamoto don't you?"_

"_W-what?" _I sputtered. _"Y-You-! I don't know what you're talking about!"_ I said defensively while I blushed. Dino seemed stunned by my reaction as he stared at me with wide eyes for a few seconds before he laughed.

"_Oh Tsuna, you have the funniest expressions!"_ Dino laughed as he wiped away a stray tear from the sides of his eyes. I blushed darkly but then after a few seconds my eyes widened in realization.

"_Don't tell me…"_ I begun as I shook a bit. Dino stopped laughing. "_Don't tell me you came here today just to give me some love advice?" _I hissed under a whisper.

There was silence.

"_Ah well…"_ Dino said and my eyes widened even more. I groaned in embarrassment as I buried my face on my hands. _"Ah come now Tsuna it's not that bad…. Please listen to me first and please don't hide your face."_

It took a few seconds for me to finally get over the embarrassment as I finally looked at him in contempt. Dino was looking at me a bit seriously before he gestured at the rose in my hand.

"_Love is…"_ He began before I winced and put my head down in embarrassment. Dino laughed at my reaction before he tilted my head to look at him. He took the rose from my hand and showed it in front of my eyes. _"Love is like a rose Tsuna… It may be beautiful but it has thorns that can cause pain."_

"_I don't understand."_ I said with a frown.

"_One day you will understand little bro." _Dino said firmly as he looked at me in the eye, the same way Spanner did. And then suddenly his expression collapsed into one of worry. "_But I just hope that, that one day doesn't come, for your sake." _

Now that I think back to that memory… Had Dino and Spanner perhaps foreseen what would happen to me? Had they known all along that I had been pinning my affections to the wrong person?

I grumbled a bit as I looked at the sky. It would've been nice if they had just told me outright. Maybe I could've prevented all this hurting…

But then my eyes softened in sadness as I pressed my palm against the cold glass windows.

_But I guess they already knew at that time that I wouldn't have listened to them. _I thought as I let my hand slide down the glass. _It was already too late to warn me._

_Kufufufu, I see… Even the Vongola boss is weak against __**that. **_I cringed asI remembered that oh-so-sadistic voice. I can't believe that even _he _had known of my unrequited infatuation.

"_It's because you're too obvious."_ I remember Rokudo Mukuro, one of the candidates for boss of the Estraneo Family told me. He and I were having one of those confidential and highly important meetings. _"Really… the way you look at him…"_ Mukuro said as he clucked his tongue.

I was drinking a cup of tea with a calm expression but if you looked closely you could see that my cup was shaking. I put it down on its plate a bit harder than I intended. I gave Mukuro a cold look. _"Please tell me that you didn't come here to talk about my love life… Mukuro."_ I said.

Mukuro laughed a creepy laugh before he crossed his legs and looked at me with amusement. _"Ah your company is never boring which is why I have fully anticipated this meeting."_ Mukuro said with a creepy smile. _"To answer your question, talking about your love life is only a __**part **__of my purpose in coming here."_

I groaned in annoyance. I didn't bother hiding my impression of Mukuro. It would be a waste of energy trying to keep up a courteous façade in front of him anyway since he'd probably just tease and annoy me until he got an interesting reaction.

"_Kufufu… You really have interesting reactions."_ Mukuro said as he looked me over. _"I bet it would be interesting to see the faces you make when your naïve heart gets broken as well."_

I grew cold at what he said and my hand froze. _"What do you mean?"_

Mukuro raised an eyebrow at me_. "Oh come now, Tsunayoshi. You are a smart right? I'm sure that no matter how obliviously head-over-heels you are for him you do know that he can hurt you right?"_

I stiffened and my voice was cold as I replied. _"Yamamoto is my guardian he would do no such thing."_

"_Consciously he wouldn't, of course…" _Mukuro continued as he observed me. _"However some people can unconsciously cause others pain."_

I frowned at Mukuro, not sure at what he's getting at. Yamamoto has protected me ever since we were kids! He would never hurt me, unconsciously or not!

Mukuro frowned at me as though he had read my mind. _"Even the Vongola boss can be a naïve fool, I see." _He said out loud, I grimaced at him. I stood up unable to take our conversation anymore.

"_Whatever Mukuro."_ I said to the Estraneo heir. He was still looking at me as though trying to make some sense of something. I felt a vein pop. _"This meeting is adjourned. I do not like it when you waste my time on such trivial matters."_

"_Oh but Tsunayoshi, matters of the heart are never trivial!"_ Mukuro said with a smirk. I bit my lip in annoyance and turned around to exit before I could do something physical with my irritation with him.

Now that I think back on it, maybe I should've heeded or listened further to what he was trying to say. Maybe I should've given what they all said a second thought.

_Don't be an idiot._

I frowned as I remembered Reborn's angry voice at me. My tutor had finally snapped at me angrily. Well it was my fault… but I just couldn't do nothing!

It was 2 years ago when Reborn finally got angry at the way I was acting. It was really weird for me to see Reborn truly angry at me because he's usually just smirk whenever I did something stupid, but I guess in this case, my stupidity couldn't be passed off as a joke.

"_What were you thinking? Jumping in front of Yamamoto like that!"_ Reborn told me the moment I finally woke up. I had to undergo surgery to extract the bullet and the poison from my shoulder. I remember looking at Reborn dazedly, unable to understand why he was angry.

"_Yamamoto… is he alright?"_ I mumbled as I raised a weak hand. I saw Reborn's frown deepen as he pulled down his fedora.

"_Don't be an idiot."_ He said quietly.

"What?" I said, unable to hear him.

"_Yamamoto is your guardian."_ Reborn told me as he removed his fedora and looked at me with such cold eyes, I gulped. _"It's his job to protect __**you**__! Not the other way around!"_

My face paled but I opened my lips to argue. _"But I just couldn't stand there doing nothing!"_ I said, annoyed at Reborn's attitude. At least I'm alive! I wantedto add but I couldn't find it in myself to say, not with Reborn looking at me like he'd kill me if I said one more word.

"_You are an idiot."_ Reborn said as he tried to calm himself down. _"You're honestly the most idiotic boss I've ever seen. You're even worse than that Dino."_

"_You call me an idiot just because I jumped in front of Yamamoto to take a bullet for him?"_ I said with a frown.

"_Yes." _Reborn said coldly, I flinched. _"But that's not the only reason why you're an idiot."_

"_What other reasons are there then?"_ I asked as I moved but then I winced. Reborn sighed as he looked at me with searing black eyes.

Reborn shook his head. "_Has your affection for Yamamoto really gone so deep that you would jump in front of him thoughtlessly? I don't think you would've done that if it was someone else…"_

There was silence.

"_What?"_ I said my mouth hanging open in surprise.

"_If you had been acting yourself, you would have known that Yamamoto would have dodged that shot and you wouldn't have to jump in front of him."_ Reborn said with a frown. _"But then for some stupid reason, you decided to. Has that brain of yours finally died?"_

"_I…"_ I began as I looked for an excuse. _"T-The bullet might have hit him…"_

"_**Might**__…" _Reborn said growling. _"You're a lost cause."_

I frowned at Reborn. _"That's not true. I just didn't want anything to happen to Yamamoto." __**He's the only one I've got.**_I added to myself silently.

"_You're in over your head Dame-Tsuna." _Reborn said as he observed my expression._ "You shouldn't cling to him like a life-preserver."_

I sighed as I remembered these memories. All of which people were trying to warn me of an inevitable pain coming. All of which I ignored.

I continued to look out of the window, my eyes looking at the blue sky. I thought of Yamamoto as I silently closed my eyes. I could see his smiling face directed at me.

_Maybe they were right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe… _

…_I am tired of being all alone. And so, I needed you beside me._

* * *

**Author's note: **Looking at this chapter really brings back memories of the past. Not that I'm saying I've experienced this! I haven't at all! I'm just randomly placing words together. So yes, what Spanner said in this fic, about Tsuna's heart being bounded by shackles was something I got out of a 4827 doujinshi. I liked how they explained love there, and how spanner _nearly_ raped Tsuna and the brunet wasn't uncool and panicking like always.

Before I forget, thank you very much to the reviewers! Everyone is so wonderful and accommodating! Truly without you guys, this wouldn't be possible!

I dedicate this chapter to my sister, who is trying oh so hard to finish her research!

Hello, also to my wonderful _8027 famiglia_ (I doubt they'll scroll down to read this): KHFFMEE- 8027, MinaNaru4ever- 8027 forever, Anonymous Santa, Dodonchka, LoveOneself, Dark Bee, The Cold Storyteller, and RainMistTakeshi.

Thank you also to my pen pal, _8027lover7280_!

But most of all: THANK YOU READERS~!


	3. You know you Love someone when

**Author's note: **Two weeks of torture, have to finish my preparations for ORAL defense *sobs, sob* Waah! I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days 'cause of exams! Birthday is a month from now and I'll be a legal adult, I don't know if I should be happy about that or sad._  
_

As always, this is in Tsuna's PoV, if it's not, it will be stated there.

* * *

_**Holding Onto My Heart**  
_

**Chapter 3**  
You_ really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it._

* * *

"Jyuudaime! I've bought you lunch!" I heard Gokudera say at the same time the door to the room opened. I was about to turn to look at him and thank him but then a voice made me freeze.

"Ahaha! Gokudera you forgot to buy some lunch for yourself." I froze and somehow I found that I couldn't find the strength in me to turn around and smile. Was my heart finally tired of its charades?

"Che! Whatever baseball idiot! As long as jyuudaime eats I can go on living without food!" I heard Gokudera say. A small sad smile made its way to my face. He's just too caring really… And paired with those captivating green eyes and silver hair… I can truly see why Yamamoto-

I did not finish that sentence in my head and I bit my lip in frustration. I felt like that if I said it out loud, it would make the pain even more real.

"Hm? Hey Tsuna, what are you doing by the window?" Yamamoto suddenly said, I heard footsteps approaching me and before I knew it a familiar arm hung around my shoulders.

"Oi! What do you think you're doing? Acting all chummy with jyuudaime! I don't care if you're his guardian, I'll kill you!" Gokudera said.

"Maa… maa…" Yamamoto said as he tried to calm down the bomber but he took his arm away from me almost immediately. My eyes widened but I struggled to hide my hurt under a mask of calm.

"Tch." Gokudera said and I could feel him sending a glare at Yamamoto before he walked towards me. I looked up and saw he had that smile on his face as he showed me the food he bought for me.

"Here jyuudaime, please pick whichever one you like best!" Gokudera said still smiling.

"Ah, I can't possibly…" I begun but then I stopped when my eyes strayed to Yamamoto who was watching our exchange. My heart stopped when I saw the affection in his eyes as he watched Gokudera trying to persuade me to eat. My eyes shadowed as I smiled painfully at the ground.

"Thank you Gokudera-kun." I said in a quiet and almost robotic voice. "But I don't think I'm feeling hungry at all, why don't you share these with Yamamoto instead?"

"Eh? What? With the baseball idiot?" Gokudera said in a disgruntled tone. "But jyuudaime these are-!"

I smiled as I raised a hand stopping him. "I'm sorry, after you went through all this trouble… But really, I'm not hungry." I said before I turned around to leave.

"Wait Tsuna! Where are you going?" Yamamoto called out to me.

"I'm just gonna get some fresh air. I'll be back soon." I said without turning back.

"Oi baseball idiot, what's wrong with jyuudaime?" I heard Gokudera ask in a low tone.

"I don't know." Yamamoto said, and I just knew he was struggling to understand the smile on my face. He probably has never seen that type of smile before.

_I was truly naïve to think that you liked me back Yamamoto. _I thought as I placed a hand on my face trying to stop myself from showing the hurt. _I can see now that you deserved someone better all along…_

With that thought I willed myself to leave. Knowing that if I did… those two would become much closer,

… and much happier.

* * *

I was walking alone through the hallways of Namimori. Everyone was probably eating at the cafeteria or else just by the Namimori grounds enjoying the sun. However I was distracted from my musings when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said seriously.

"_I've heard the news." _Came a very familiar sadistic voice. _"Your guardian has found someone, huh?"_

I remained silent, I was weighing my options. Should I turn off the phone and pretend the call never happened, or should I chuck it out of the nearest window?

"_Don't even think about it." _The other person growled like he could read my mind. _"Don't you know how expensive abroad calls are?"_

"It's none of my concern. You were the one who chose to spend your money on trivial calls Mukuro." I said coolly before I pressed the 'end call' button.

"_Hey wait-" _But it was already too late. I was about to pocket my phone but then it suddenly rang. I looked at the caller ID thinking it was Mukuro again but it wasn't….

…It was Dino.

"_Hey little bro, I heard the news." _Dino said in a grave tone. _"Yamamoto and Smokin' Bomb Hayato, huh?"_

I felt a vein pop. Don't these Italians have anything better to do than gossip about a mafia boss' unrequited love?

"Dino-san, I don't know who you've heard this from but I-"

"_So what are you going to do now?" _Dino suddenly asked in a serious tone making me stop in the middle of the hallways. There was silence. My grip on my phone tightened as my eyes shadowed.

"I don't know." I answered as my fists clenched.

"_Are you going to give up on him?" _Dino asked.

I laughed bitterly. "I don't think I'm strong enough for that."

"_Are you going to fight for your love for him?" _Dino asked again.

"He deserves someone better than me." I said in a hard tone.

"_What will you do about Gokudera?" _Dino asked subtly.

"I… I wasn't originally planning to take him in because I thought he could do something much better with his life rather than involving himself with the mafia…" I began as I leaned against the wall. "But if Yamamoto wants him then I…"

However I suddenly became silent when I saw liquid drop to the ground I was staring at.

"_Tsuna?" _Came Dino's worried voice. He was probably wondering why I stopped.

My eyesight blurred as I narrowed them. I reached a hand to my face and to my chagrin I realized… I was crying.

"A-Ahaha… What's this? I feel…" I began as I placed the hand to cover my eyes. "My heart feels… it feels heavy."

"_Tsuna…" _Dino said from the other line. _"Are you alright there? Do you want me to-?"_

"I'm fine Dino-san." I said in a soft tone as I sniffed and wiped away traces of tears from my eyes. "I can do this… Yamamoto needs Gokudera-kun now… And I owe him that much."

"_Do you?" _Dino asked.

"Yes I do. He protected me ever since we were young. He made me smile and he was with me when I was alone and unwanted." I said as my eyes began to burn again. "He deserves to be happy."

"_And what about you?" _Dino was almost afraid to ask. There was silence.

"Dino-san… what I feel doesn't really matter anymore." I said quietly as a cold wind blew through the windows. "I've decided that I can go on…" _All by myself._

"_Tsuna, you're not alone. We're here you know." _Dino said seriously. I smiled at my big brother's concerned words.

"I know." I said softly. "And I'm grateful for that."

"_Tsuna you-" _Dino begun. _"How will you face Yamamoto from now on?"_

My eyes drooped tiredly before I forced a bright smile and tone on myself. "I'm gonna smile, because I want to make him happy. Laugh, so that he won't see me cry." My lips trembled as I said this. "Basically, I'll act as normal as I can… while keeping my distance."

Silence.

"_Tsuna I'm sorry, I should've…" _Dino begun but I just sighed.

"It's fine… You knew I wouldn't have done anything you said anyway." I said in comfort. "Anyway I have to get going, I need to buy some lunch before time's up.

"_O-okay then I-" _However I didn't bother to know what he said next because I went ahead and pressed the 'end call' button. I closed my eyes as I placed an arm over them.

"_Hey Yamamoto…" A young 7-year-old Tsuna said as he looked up from the book he's reading. It was a fairytale loved by the children from the city. "What's love?"_

_The young Yamamoto Takeshi looked up at his young boss before he put on a thinking face. "I'm not sure… Why don't we ask your papa?"_

_Tsuna frowned at the mention of his father but seeing as he had no other choice he nodded. The two boys went to Iemitsu's study._

"_Oh! Takeshi! Tsuna! What's wrong?" Iemitsu said when he saw the two kids._

"_Sawada-san, Tsuna wanted to ask you something!" Yamamoto said with a grin as he pulled forward a slightly frowning Tsuna._

"_Papa…" Tsuna said reluctantly. "What is love?"_

_Iemitsu blinked at Tsuna's question before he smiled. "Love? It's kind of complicated, but I'll tell you this, the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy..." The head of the CEDEF said as he patted Tsuna on the head. "…That's love right there."_

I laughed humorlessly. Who knew that my dad was actually making sense?

_The second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy… that's love right there._

_Yamamoto… _I thought longingly as I straightened up. I pocketed my phone making sure it was turned off this time. I didn't want anyone else contacting me right now.

_Sorry Dino-san, Mukuro… _I thought before I walked away.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Yamamoto's POV

Gokudera and I were off searching for Tsuna who once again disappeared. I'm really getting worried about him, he has been acting really strange and aloof.

"He's not here either." Gokudera said for the fifth time as he stepped out of a random classroom.

"I wonder where he could be." I muttered worriedly. Tsuna's sad yet smiling face, flashed in my mind. Did something happen?

"Hey, have you tried calling jyuudaime? You're his guardian right? So you must have some form of communication or something." I blinked at Gokudera, astonished.

"I didn't think of that!" I said as I grinned and fished out my phone. Gokudera looked like he wanted to slap me for my idiocy and I couldn't help but chuckle. Tsuna was on my speed dial so I could contact him pretty quickly when there was an emergency. But…

"_I'm sorry, the number you're trying to reach is currently busy…"_

"Huh, Tsuna seems to be on the phone with someone." I said as I put down my phone.

"Kuh…" Gokudera said tensely as he began to look around again. I followed his movements and before long we were off again.

There was silence between us as we looked around for our boss.

"Hey." Gokudera suddenly said which got my attention. "How long have you known jyuudaime?"

"Eh?" I said before I thought about his question. "Uhm, we've known each other since we were kids I guess… We met when we were 5 or something?"

Gokudera mumbled under his breath probably something like "Che, idiot." And I couldn't help but smile.

"Tell me, what's jyuudaime like? From your point of view… as both his friend and guardian." Gokudera said as he looked forward, not meeting my eyes. I raised a curious eyebrow at him but I thought about the answer.

"Tsuna is…" I began as I thought back to the past. I vaguely remembered the expressionless boy who was introduced to me. His expression was so sad and aloof that I found myself reaching out to him, even before I truly knew him. "When we were young Tsuna had always been _different _from other kids."

"Of course jyuudaime is different! You can't compare jyuudaime to some other measly brats out there!" Gokudera said with pride. I sweat dropped.

"Maa… maa…" I aid trying to comfort him. But then my eyes softened as I remembered the past. "It was hard to get along with Tsuna in those days. He would try to avoid me after we met and he was always busy even though he was only a kid."

Gokudera raised an eyebrow at that but did not comment.

"He always had violin lessons, piano lessons, language lessons, literary lessons, history lessons, and even lessons on etiquette!" I said as I laughed awkwardly. "Honestly it was just too much! I tried to ask him to skip on those lessons and to play with me but he always had the same response…"

"_I don't have time to be a child." _Tsuna said to a younger Yamamoto who was holding a ball.

There was silence.

"But I always thought… that when Tsuna said that, he looked rather lonely." I continued as I remembered the brunet looking down every time he uttered those words. "So I never gave up and kept asking him. I wanted to be the one to break the wall he had around his heart. I wasn't sure what made him like that but I was willing to accept Tsuna as he is…"

"And then what?" Gokudera said, interested though he tried not to show it.

"It was on the night of a party when I finally got a response from him." I continued as I vividly remembered that memory. "Grandpa Timoteo was entertaining some guests and I was trying to look for Tsuna as always."

My fists clenched unconsciously as I remembered that night. "I heard some strange noise coming from the balcony and I realized that some of the guests had gotten over-drunk due to excess alcohol. I was going to stay away from that part and maybe inform some of the ninth's guardians about it when I suddenly heard the sound of someone getting slapped." I looked at Gokudera and smiled a strained smile as understanding clouded his face. "As you know I'm never the one for violence."

"So yeah, I went to see what was up and to my astonishment someone _was _getting slapped and even kicked around. At first, I realized that it was a kid and I was stunned." I continued as we walked. "But then the moon came out behind the clouds and I realized who that kid was… It was Tsuna."

"Jyuudaime…" Gokudera said and I could see from the corner of my eyes that he was tensing.

I closed my eyes as I remembered that memory. I found myself tensing as well but I tried to remain calm. "Of course at the time I had already been training the ways of the sword and so even as a five-year-old I managed to kick the butts of those drunkards pretty well… " I said in a cheery tone.

"And jyuudaime?"

"Tsuna was… well he was just sitting there. He watched as I took out all of those guys and when I came closer he flinched." I said as I sighed. "Thankfully the guardians of the ninth heard the commotion and I told them what had happened. They kicked those guys out and I helped Tsuna to his room so that the maids can treat him…"

"And?" Gokudera persisted.

My eyes softened considerably as I said in a quiet tone. "And Tsuna broke down…"

Gokudera blinked. "What?"

I laughed at his expression. "He broke down. He cried and cried and he kept crying until it was morning. He clung on to me so suddenly when the maids left and started bawling." I said with a fond smile. "It was the first time I saw Tsuna let out an emotion and it was such a relief to see him do so. I always felt like he was going to explode if he didn't do it soon."

"And what did you do? The whole time jyuudaime was crying, what did you do?" Gokudera asked insistently.

"I comforted him of course." I said to Gokudera with a shrug. "I told him I'd always be there and that he was never alone…"

There was silence.

"After that, Tsuna and I became closer than ever. We managed to form a bond so strong I don't think anyone can break it." I said with a smile. "Tsuna started following me around after that. He'd play with me when I asked him to and sometimes when he was scared to sleep by himself, he went to my room."

"WHAT?" Gokudera said his mouth gapping and I chuckled.

"So yeah I guess that's the story." I said as I put my arms behind my head.

"Che, although I hate to admit it, it was slightly interesting." Gokudera said as he crossed his arms. I laughed again at the other's reluctance before the two of us continued to look for Tsuna once more.

I checked my phone and dialed him once again but then…

"_I'm sorry, the number you're trying to reach is out of coverage area…"_

_Tsuna where are you? _I thought desperately as I once again pocketed my phone. I failed to notice Gokudera looking my way with a calculative expression.

* * *

**TSUNA'S POV**

I was walking around again, just absently walking through the hallways, wondering if I should be here. I couldn't help but sigh as students passed by me, laughing happily and conversing happily with each other.

_I always thought that when I came to Japan that I'd finally be able to experience a normal middle school life with Yamamoto and now… _I thought as I saw a pair of girls pass by.

"Ooh what do I do? I like him but he's my best friend! And he likes our other friend!" One girl said to her companion with tear-filled eyes.

"Maybe you should try telling him-?"

I sighed as continued to walk forward. _Now I'm getting what I exactly wished for. Somehow I'm now involved in this petty middle school love triangle._

I placed both of my hands on my pocket as I continued to walk forward, going nowhere in particular. But then…

I suddenly bumped into someone and I couldn't help but fall back in astonishment. Luckily, the other guy managed to grab my arm before I fell on my butt.

"Oops, s-sorry." I said as I looked up at the person who caught me.

"Are you alright?" The other person said but then he suddenly blinked in astonishment when our eyes met.

"Yamamoto!/Tsuna!" We both said at the same time. I pursed my lips in embarrassment while he smiled at me in relief.

"You can't believe how long we were looking for you." Yamamoto said as he pulled me forward causing me to lose my footing and to collide onto his chest. I blushed and suppressed the urge to cling onto him. I pushed away from him gently as he arched an eyebrow at my action.

"Erm, yeah… sorry about that." I said blankly as I stepped away from him. However he stepped with me and placed his hands on my shoulder. I avoided his gaze.

"Hey… Tsuna what's wrong?" Yamamoto said as he tried to will me to look at him. I looked up at him and smiled the polite smile I used on political leaders to get what I want.

"What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong." I said in a polite tone. However instead of the grasp relaxing it tightened.

"Tsuna, I can't read minds you know." Yamamoto said to me in a distressing tone. I looked up automatically. He was looking at me with a slightly tortured expression. And suddenly I understood.

"You're remembering that time aren't you?" I told him in exasperation. He blinked before he looked down frowning.

"I'm worried." He mumbled honestly and I couldn't help but placed my hand on his head even though he was taller than me. My guardian blinked again as he looked at me.

"I don't see why you're worried about that. I'm not going to jump and suddenly get hit by a bullet you know." I said as I retracted my hand. "I'm sorry for worrying you back then." I said as I smiled. Yamamoto looked into my eyes and I knew he was remembering that time when I suddenly jumped in front of him to save him from an oncoming bullet.

"You had been acting strange back then too." Yamamoto said to me. "You knew I could dodge that bullet but you got in and got shot instead. You also had a very anxious look on your face… What were you thinking?"

My hands shook as I remembered that memory. I had a feeling that something was going to happen at that time. And then just as I thought that I suddenly saw someone aiming at Yamamoto. I couldn't think properly. The only think that I remembered was thinking:

_Not him! Please not him! _And before I knew it, I was pushing him aside. I knew he could dodge that bullet. My mind could do the calculations but somehow my heart couldn't afford even the slightest chance that he might get hurt.

"_Tsuna!" _I remembered when Yamamoto visited me after the surgery. I remembered asking for him almost immediately.

"_Yamamoto…"_ I said weakly as I reached out a hand which he immediately took. "_You're safe, that's good…"_

"_Tsuna, what were you thinking! I could've dodged that bullet, why did you…?"_ Yamamoto said as he looked at the brunet lying on the bed.

"_I'm not sure…"_ I said sleepily. _"Somehow the prospect of losing you, the thought of you getting hurt… It seemed scary to me."_ I said as my eyes began to close.

I sighed as I shook my head, trying to get rid of that memory. I had been stupid then. I was stupid enough to get myself hurt and it looks like I'm repeating the same mistake again.

"Jyuudaime!" I jumped slightly at the voice behind me. Beside me, Yamamoto turned abruptly.

"Ah Gokudera there you are!" Yamamoto said with a smile. "I found Tsuna!"

"Che, I can see that idiot." Gokudera said before he turned to me with devoted eyes. "Jyuudaime, I was worried. Did something happen?"

I smiled at the bomber's care. "No, nothing happened. Everything's fine."

Gokudera opened his mouth wanting to say more but then Yamamoto gave him a look and he closed his mouth before he mumbled, "If jyuudaime says so then…"

I smiled at the bomber kindly.

"Ah look, break time's almost over. Let's get going Gokudera, Tsuna…" Yamamoto said as he smiled at the two of us. He walked forward and placed an arm around the Italian.

"Argh-! What do you think you're doing, moron?" Gokudera said as he struggled to get Yamamoto's arm off him.

"Ahaha! Maa… maa…" Yamamoto said as he walked forward with a huge grin. Behind them, I was smiling sadly with eyes on the ground. After a few seconds, I begin to follow them trying to ignore the pain in my heart.

My brown eyes flickered over to Yamamoto's arm on Gokudera's shoulders and I couldn't help but look down sadly once more.

_Hold my hand, just one more time, so I can remind myself why it is that I can't get over you…_

* * *

**Author's note: **Aww ;_; Heartbreaks hurt like hell (not that I have or will ever have experienced it because apparently I'm incapable of feeling anything akin to love with regards to human beings) Anyway, read and review!


	4. Wanting him

**Author's notes: **And here we are Chapter 4! The community has been in a standstill for too long! Let's change that today.

My birthday is coming up again, the second time I've celebrated my birthday with this community and I hope more 8027 fans will come together to make new stories. To my **8027 famiglia** thank you for the support! I love you guys!

* * *

**Holding onto My Heart**

**Chapter 4**

_Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet._

* * *

I dreamt about Yamamoto that night. The dream was so peaceful and so surreal that I almost wished that I wouldn't wake up. That's why, when I did wake up, it was no surprise that there were tears in my eyes.

"Yes, I understand. There are still some papers from Italy that need to be sent here. The information I have are incomplete so…" I said as I walked around in my office in the mansion. I was going over my duties as the next heir and all I can really say is that it's not getting any easier.

It was at that moment that while I was talking in the phone I passed by the window. I could see that Yamamoto was out on the front yard exercising as always. As my guardian he had to be ready both physically and mentally.

"_Hello?" _The voice from the other end said.

"A-ah, I'm sorry. Let me call you back later." I said as I put down the phone. I walked towards the window wanting to call out to the swordsman. I wanted to see him grin at me. I wanted to hear his voice as he greets me… but then…

"Decimo-sama, there are currently 5 calls on hold for you. They're from different allied families wanting your view on…" The butler said as he entered my office. I sighed tiredly as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"I understand." I said in a soft tone as I looked at Yamamoto, alone on the front yard. I frowned and my eyes shadowed as I passed by the butler.

"I have one favor to ask." I said quietly as I looked at the door.

"What is it?" The butler asked curiously. I looked at the window again and smiled a small smile at my guardian before I faced forward. I might regret this but…

"Please call Gokudera-kun to the mansion." I said in a tone that escaped shaking. "Tell him, that I want him to train with Yamamoto for a while." I said trying to will out the words.

"I understand." The butler said before he bowed. I smiled at him kindly before I turned to the windows. I drew the dark curtains around my office before I settled on my chair.

I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see something that'll make my heart a hundred times heavier. I didn't want to bleed over Yamamoto even more.

* * *

Tremors shook the entire mansion, five minutes after Gokudera-kun arrived. From inside my office I could hear arguing and some swords slashes. I tried to concentrate on the documents I was reviewing and finally after a few minutes someone knocked on the door.

"D-Decimo-sama…" The butler said fearfully. "G-Gokudera-sama has…"

I looked up from what I was doing with a strained smile. "Yeah I know. I could hear it from way out here. He has broken the sprinkler system in the front yard, and bombed the love gate by the garden right?" I said as I stood up. "Also he has destroyed some of the lawn gnomes by the petunias and additional to that, Yamamoto accidentally cut the roses I was growing with his sword. And right now… they're about to destroy the green house and my nursery…"

"Ah, h-hai…" The butler said before he bowed down in apology. I waved it off before I went to the window and drew back the thick curtains. For one moment, the sun blinded me.

"Guys!" I said as I opened the window. My eyes widened for a fraction of second when I saw the state of the front yard. The lush green grass was no longer green. They were now brown with the explosions and gun powder in the air. And also it seemed like my yard was missing several trees which were most likely on the ground, obliterated or cut into pieces.

For one moment, my head began aching.

"Ah! Jyuudaime!"

"Ahaha! Yoh Tsuna!"

Those two voices distracted me from my incoming headache as I looked up. Yamamoto had his sword out while Gokudera looked like he was about to bomb my rain guardian to pieces.

"You two, what have you been doing?" I said in exasperation. Gokudera looked around as his eyes widened when he saw what he did. Yamamoto scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"Jyuudaime I-" The Italian dropped his dynamites and fell onto a kneeling position. "GOMENASAI!" And then… he started banging his head on the ground.

"Ah! Yamamoto stop him!" I said from the window but there was no need because Yamamoto was already by the other's side, holding him back. I flinched slightly at how Yamamoto did not hesitate to stop the bomber from hurting himself.

"Hey Gokudera stop doing that. You might get a concussion or something." Yamamoto said as he eased the bomber back.

"Get off of me baseball idiot!" Gokudera said as he tried to push away Yamamoto. He turned back to me with those sorry eyes once more. "Jyuudaime I'm really sorry!"

"Uhm, okay I understand." I said carefully, not wanting Gokudera to start hitting his head on the ground again. "Anyway just keep it down you two and please clean up your mess."

"Ahaha! Of course Tsuna!"

"I'll do my best jyuudaime!"

And just like that they were off. I slowly began to draw the curtains close again.

"They seem very energetic today." The butler commented. "Yamamoto-sama seems to have a lot on his plate with Gokudera-sama around. I wonder if he feels troubled."

I smiled blankly as I leaned against the walls. I could hear loud laughter and a few curses from the yard.

"No, I don't think Yamamoto will ever feel troubled by Gokudera-kun." I said quietly. The butler blinked at me in astonishment.

"What makes you say that, Decimo-sama?" He asked me curiously.

I placed a hand on my face as I covered my eyes with my bangs. "Because frankly, I've never ever seen Yamamoto so happy before."

The butler blinked in worry. "Decimo-sama?"

I inhaled deeply before I pushed myself away from the wall. "It's nothing." And from behind me Yamamoto's laughter continued to sound. I wish I was the one making him laugh instead.

"I-I see, anyway Decimo-sama, the boss of the Cielo Family is in town and he has invited you to dine with him." The butler said as he took out a letter and extended it to the Vongola.

"Hm? What is he doing in Namimori?" I asked as my eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"He claims that he is here for some sort of charity event." The butler said.

I opened the letter and read it over with a quick eye. "I see, well then prepare the car and a few of our men." I said as I threw the letter on the trash. "I have to get ready."

"Of course!" The butler said but then he straightened up reluctantly. "And what about Yamamoto-sama?"

I was expecting this question and I did not hesitate to answer it. "He will stay here. Please prepare lunch for him and Gokudera-kun while I'm out."

"But Decimo, Yamamoto-sama is your-" The butler protested. I held up a hand to stop what he was about to say next.

"It's just a friendly chat with a family friend. I don't need to bring Yamamoto with me." I said with a smile. The butler faltered before he bowed.

"I understand, then please take care." He mumbled before leaving. I watched the door close before I headed to a closet to take out my pinstripe suit and my black, bullet-proof cloak. The meeting I was about to go to was anything but a friendly chat with an old family friend.

_Cielo Family, what a joke. _I thought scornfully as I stripped down to my boxers and began changing into my suit. Cielo in English means sky. The moment that family was formed, I knew that the name was meant to warn me. I knew that the Family's objective was the sky of any family, hence the name 'cielo'.

_This is about to get dangerous. _I thought as I put on my gloves and tightened my necktie. I clasped on the cloak around my shoulders. _But I'll be able to handle this alone. Yamamoto needs to stay here, safe._

"You're going to do something dangerous again aren't you? Stupid student of mine." Came a voice from behind me. I turned around abruptly.

"Reborn! What are you-?" I said, my eyes widening. "Aren't you supposed to be on a scouting mission?"

"I was, and now I'm back." Reborn said as he jumped down my desk. "I had feeling that while I was away… you were going to do something stupid so here I am."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said as I turned my back on him. "I'm just going to a meeting with an allied boss…" I said.

"With or without Yamamoto?" Reborn asked. There was silence.

"I better get going." I said as I proceeded forward.

"Don't be an idiot _again _Dame-Tsuna." Reborn said with a growl.

"I'm not being an idiot." I said in a casual tone before it turned serious. "I'm just protecting what's important to me."

"And what about Yamamoto? Won't you let him protect what's important to him as well?" Reborn asked me and I just knew he was frowning at me.

I smiled sadly at what he said before I answered. "The thing is Reborn, I'm not the only one that matters to him anymore."

"What?" Reborn asked, but I was already headed to the door.

* * *

"Decimo-sama, the car is ready." The driver said s he bowed me out of the mansion.

"Thank you." I said in a small tone. In front of the mansion, the head of security was bowing at me.

"Decimo-sama, your bodyguards for today…" The head of the bodyguard said as he pointed at three men behind him. They were bowing at me lowly and all I could do was nod in appreciation as I headed to the car. I quickened my footsteps hoping that Yamamoto –

"Tsuna?" Oh shoot. I stopped walking and behind me, the driver and the bodyguards also stopped walking.

"Oh, Y-Yamamoto." I said as I looked at my guardian who was absorbing the scene before him. I saw his eyes go wide as he realized what was going on.

"You're going somewhere?" He asked in a forced tone.

"I'm just going out to eat some lunch." I said casually.

"With three bodyguards?" He asked as he stepped closer to me. "And while wearing your favorite business suit? You're off to meet someone." He said in an accusing tone.

"Er- yeah." I said, realizing it was useless to hide. "It's just a friendly meeting-" I said but then I was interrupted when Yamamoto stepped closer to me and took a hold of my cloak.

"You're wearing your bullet-proof cloak." He murmured to himself. He looked at me his expression hurt and worried, I had to look away. "Which family is it?" He asked turning to look at the bodyguards behind me instead.

"The Cielo Family, sir." One bodyguard answered and I frowned.

"The Cielo Family? They're here?" Yamamoto said his eyes widening. He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him.

"I'm coming with you." He said in a serious tone that made my bodyguards step back. I frowned at my rain guardian. Can't he see that I'm trying to protect him?

"I can handle them myself." I said as I pulled away from his grasp.

Yamamoto's eyes widened before his expression hardened. "I'm your guardian. It's my duty to protect you."

"And I'm your boss, so I'm giving you a day off!" I huffed before I turned around to leave.

"Wait Tsuna!" Yamamoto called out.

"Decimo-sama!" The guards called as they followed me.

"Decimo-sama." The driver said. "I think, Yamamoto-sama has a point. Since he is your guardian you must bring him to this meeting-"

"I can't…" I said in a quiet tone. Why can't anyone understand that?

"Tsuna!" Yamamoto called out and I could hear his rushing footsteps. "Tsuna! Wait!"

"Decimo-sama…" The bodyguards warned me. I frowned and I begun to rethink my decision. I looked behind me and I could see that Yamamoto had that desperate expression on his face.

_I'm your guardian. It's my duty to protect you. _The look on my face softened and I opened my mouth. Maybe just maybe, Yamamoto wanted to come with me. Maybe he really did want to protect me.

"Yamamoto-" I begun as I faltered in my steps. He could see that I was about to change my mind and he gave me a bright smile. I totally stopped now, mesmerized. "Yamamoto I-"

"Oi!" Came a familiar voice. Yamamoto stopped running abruptly and turned around.

"Gokudera!" He said in a shocked voice. My eyes widened as I almost forgot about the bomber.

"Jyuudaime! Baseball freak where are you going?" Gokudera said as he looked at me. He looked at what I was wearing in suspicion. I saw the possibilities forming in his eyes.

"I'm just going to step out for a while, Gokudera-kun." I said firmly to the bomber. I didn't want him to form ridiculous ideas on his head. "And I was just about to leave as well. Let's go." I said to my men and also, to Yamamoto as I faced forward. But then…

"A-ah, have a safe trip then Tsuna." Yamamoto said and my face froze. What did he-? I looked backed and saw that Yamamoto was looking back in Gokudera at worry. Oh of course. Knowing Gokudera, he might sneak away and follow after me… If Yamamoto stayed behind then he could… keep the bomber out of trouble. He would keep the Italian safe. Behind me, I could hear my bodyguards whispering.

"What did Yamamoto-sama mean by that?"

"Didn't he want to go with us?"

"We're leaving guys." I said trying to keep my voice cool. "The butler has set up lunch for you." I said, referring to Gokudera and Yamamoto this time. "Make sure that when I come back the mansion won't be destroyed."

"H-Hai, jyuudaime." Gokudera said uncertainly.

"Take care Tsuna." Yamamoto said in an uncertain voice. "Come back soon."

The driver opened the door and I climbed in.

"Always." I said in a soft voice before I entered. I failed to see the three guards behind me exchange looks.

* * *

"We have arrived." The driver said as he stopped the car.

"Thank you, we won't be long." I said as one of the bodyguards went out of the front seat and opened the car door for me. I waited for my other guards to alight. Then while time I was waiting I sharpened my senses. I had to keep my guard up, especially since…

My eyes shadowed as I looked down. It was strange to go to a meeting without Yamamoto beside me.

_What are you looking so tense for Tsuna! Relax! _I could almost hear Yamamoto say in my head. I smiled sadly.

"Decimo-sama, we have been expecting you." Someone suddenly said, snapping me out of my reverie. I looked up, immediately putting on my boss façade.

I nodded at them gravely, allowing them to escort me to the place of meeting. My bodyguards flanked my sides and back, making sure that I was safe. We entered the classy restaurant in high alert. The manager escorted us to a private room on the topmost floor.

"Welcome, Vongola Decimo." Said a sadistic voice and I almost did a double-take.

"You're-!" I said as my eyes widened. "But you're not-! Isn't this supposed to be an invitation from the Cielo Family?" I accused.

"Now, now… Calm down Decimo-kun." The person before me said with a smile before he popped a marshmallow into his mouth. Yap, you guessed it… He was…

"What are you doing here?" I said as the expression on my face hardened. "Byakuran Gesso?"

"Ohoho~ Such an interesting expression Tsunayoshi-kun!" Byakuran said cheerfully. "But why don't you sit first so that we can get into a proper conversation."

I stiffly followed his request and sat down before him. Behind me, my bodyguards had already understood my tension and they were probably trying to contact the main mansion to get more guards.

"Now, where should we start?" Byakuran said as he reached out for a drink. "Ah yes! Why don't we start at the beginning! When Tsunayoshi-kun and I first had the meeting of the bosses! It was a really fun fist impression!"

My fists clenched as I remembered the first meeting. It wasn't fun at all! Darn this masochistic bastard!

"Hm, if I remember correctly… You had Yamamoto-kun with you right?" Byakuran said as he swept his gaze at the bodyguards behind me. I felt them flinch. "Ah what's this? He's not here…"

"Yamamoto's back home, I insisted that he stayed back for today." I said with a cool tone, concealing the hurt perfectly. At least I thought so but then Byakuran leaned forward a blank expression on his face.

"That's no fun…" He said as he leaned back. I exhaled in relief.

"Now Byakuran, tell me… What are you doing here? What happened to the Cielo family?" I said in a brisk tone.

"Oh? You mean that pathetic family that was after you? I eradicated them." Byakuran said as he sipped his drink. "They were pathetic really. My soldiers took over there family weeks ago and I assumed the title of the Cielo boss. Well actually, I just assumed the title to lure you out. After this, I'll go back to being the Gesso Family boss."

"It was careless of you to come here Byakuran. After what you did the last time we met, don't expect me to take you lightly… I'll have your butt behind bars soon." I hissed angrily.

"Oh? You mean you're still angry about me shooting at your guardian?" Byakuran said and my blood boiled. "But I was just testing him. I knew he would've dodged it. But imagine my surprise when the all-powerful, calculative, and cool tenth Vongola boss jumped in front of him! You honestly gave me a heart attack!" He said as he chuckled. "After that meeting, I knew I just had to meet you again."

"And now you have… What do you want?" I said as I glared at him. He looked at me in a cool way before he extracted something from his pocket. My blood froze when I saw that he had a gun out. Immediately my bodyguards got out in front of me, their guns out as well.

"Oh now, calm down." Byakuran said as he laughed. "It's true I was planning to shoot Tsunayoshi-kun before but I thought Yamamoto-kun would be here! Now that he's not here, it'll be a waste of a bullet." He said as he twirled the gun in his hand. "I wanted to see if he would jump in front of you as well. The expression you gave me last time was priceless!" He said with a happy sigh. "But since he's not here… Too bad."

My bodyguards still refused to move and they stood around me trying to make sure I was safe. Seeing that Byakuran meant no harm (I hoped), I ordered my guards to relax. They did so unwillingly.

"So what are you going to do now Byakuran?" I said in a calm tone as I put my hands together.

"Ah well, I'm not sure." Byakuran said as he smiled at me. "I was so looking forward today too." He said with a sigh but then he looked at me seriously. "But then I found another interesting thing to watch." I backed up when Byakuran suddenly stood in front of me. In the back of my mind, I wondered why my three body guards still haven't come and blocked me from Byakuran's advances.

The white-haired devil titled my face and I glowered at him. He looked at my face in interest.

"Oya, you look tired." He said casually. "And you look sad as well, I didn't think that was possible." Byakuran said as he twirled a lock of my hair. "Is it because of Yamamoto-kun? The whole time you've been here all I've felt from you is an aura of hurt and anger… Hm, Tsunayoshi-kun I wonder what's wrong?"

I gritted my teeth and in annoyance I slapped his hand away and stood up. "This doesn't concern you Byakuran."

"Oya, perhaps… Has Yamamoto-kun gotten tired of you and found another perhaps?" Byakuran said unaffected by my rejection. My eyes widened as his words hit homerun.

"I like that expression on your face. It's… refreshing." Byakuran said as he leaned back to observe my facial expression. I wonder what was it that white-haired villain saw on my face? Was it perhaps the realization that Yamamoto would never like me? Or maybe the fact that the only person I've ever really treasured was leaving me for someone else? Or was it the weariness of always trying to forget Yamamoto and in the process make him happy?

"Please just…" I said weakly as I covered my face. "Just go already and leave me alone…"

Byakuran raised an eyebrow at what I said. He frowned down at me for a moment before he stepped back and sighed. "Ah, this is getting boring. I'll give you a breather for now Tsunayoshi-kun…"

I slumped back on the chair tiredly.

"Guys, you can let go of Tsunayoshi-kun's bodyguards now." Byakuran said as he turned his back on me.

"Hai, Byakuran-sama." The guards said and I couldn't help but laugh to myself silently. I was cornered from the start. It's a miracle that Byakuran decided to let me go.

"We're leaving, until next time then Tsunayoshi-kun." Byakuran said as he went out. I stayed like that for a while until I heard Byakuran's car leave.

"Wah! That gave me a heart attack." A familiar voice suddenly said. My eyes widened as I whipped around to see who said that. My eyes widened even more when I saw that I was face-to-face with none other done Dino Cavallone. He had taken off the hat of bodyguard number one.

"Yoh, little brother!" He said as he smiled at me.

"Kufufu, now don't forget about me." I looked around and saw a mist enveloping my second and third bodyguard. Chrome Dokuro and Rokudo Mukuro revealed themselves.

"Greetings Tsunayosh-kun. I'm sure you remember your impolite manners in our last conversation?" Mukuro said with a taunting smile.

"Hello, boss…" Chrome said as she bowed. The two of us have met before; Mukuro often brought her to our meetings. She was an orphan like Mukuro and she was recently adopted by the Estraneo Family.

"Dino-san, Mukuro, Chrome…" I said tiredly. "What are you guys doing in Japan?"

"Hm, well the baby was expecting the day when you would not bring your only guardian with you so he had us disguised as your bodyguards just in case." Mukuro said as he looked at the brunet. "My, that marshmallow freak was right. You look like a mess."

I frowned at his comment. "Gee, thanks."

Dino was frowning as well but he was frowning at me. "He's right Tsuna. Did you lose weight or something?"

"Boss, if you want I can make you some rice balls." Chrome offered. I gulped at the offer before I smiled at the three of them.

"It's fine Chrome. And I just haven't been feeling hungry that's all Dino-san." I said to them. The three looked at me, their eyes wide at my smile. "What?" I said, blinking.

"Urgh, please stop smiling Sawada Tsunayoshi." Mukuro said as he looked away.

"Boss." Chrome said her eye shining worriedly. Dino placed a hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay little brother, we're here now." Dino said in comfort. I blinked again.

"What?" I said to them incredulously.

"Kufufufu, I hate feeling sympathy for other so stop looking like that." Mukuro said to me seriously.

"Looking like what?" I asked in frustration. Dino, Mukuro, and Chrome looked at me straight in the eye.

"Looking like you're about to cry." They said at the same time. I blinked in astonishment.

"O-oh." I said blankly. "Sorry…"

Dino sighed while Mukuro shrugged. "Don't apologize for that little bro. Come on, why don't we just go and eat at a fast food restaurant? I have a feeling that you don't want to go back to the mansion right?"

I blinked. "How did-?"

"A brother's intuition." Dino said readily. "Anyway why don't you take off this cloak of yours so that we can get-oof!" Dino tumbled to the floor as he took off the cloak.

"Oya, pretty clumsy aren't you Cavallone?" Mukuro said.

"Dino-san, daijobu?" Chrome asked as she extended her hand. Dino accepted it gratefully.

"T-This cloak is heavy!" Dino said as he put it down on the floor. Mukuro leaned down to examine it and he lifted it testily.

"The bronco's not joking." Mukuro said as he huffed. I looked at them curiously.

"Well of course it's heavy." I said as I bent down to pick it up. "The cloak was primo's defensive weapon and it's made from a special type of cloth that can resist bullets and is fire-proof." I said and then my eyes hardened. "It also symbolizes the sky that envelopes everything. And its weight… symbolizes the burden I must carry on my shoulders as the Vongola's sky."

There was silence as everyone took in what I said.

"Anyway, enough of that." I said as I tried to ease the tension. "Let's get something to eat, I think I'd like to have some fries and burger."

With that said, the four of us exited the restaurant.

* * *

**Author's notes: **T^T Just eat my heart out already Yamamoto! Just eat it out! Why does it have to be so sad for Tsuna! WHY? Oh and if people don't mind, please read and review :D (Four more days to go XDD)


	5. Sometimes

**Author's notes:**Someone convinced me to updated via pm during my three week examination and I can't resist you guys :3

* * *

**Holding onto My Heart**

**Chapter 5**

_Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision only clears after our eyes are washed away with tears._

* * *

**Tsuna's PoV**

Dino-san, Mukuro, Chrome, and I walked down the streets still in our suits. I had my cloak on my arm, not wanting to look more out of place than I already am. People were staring enough as it is.

I sighed quietly as I followed my three 'bodyguards' towards the nearest fast food restaurant. Some greasy foods and cold drinks seemed nice for once.

_I wonder if Yamamoto and Gokudera-kun have eaten… _I mused to myself. _I hope they don't get into a fight again… _My eyes shadowed as I remembered Yamamoto's laughing face as Gokudera-kun tried to insult him. I bit my lip as the familiar ache of my chest disrupted my thoughts.

…My hearts feels so heavy right now.

"Tsuna? Hey Tsuna?" A hand on my shoulder. For one crazy moment I looked up in hope, thinking that Yamamoto was there. But then the hope quickly diminished and turned into disappointment when I met the concerned eyes of my acting older brother.

"Oh, hey Dino-san…" I said in an unenthusiastic voice. "What's up?"

"I was asking you what you wanted to order…" Dino-san's eyebrows were drawn together in worry. "Are you alright?"

My eyes widened slightly and I smiled to cover up any unnecessary emotion on my face. "Of course I am… Why don't you guys sit down…? I'll order for us instead." I stated, wanting to get away from them for awhile.

"Very well." Mukuro said as he turned his back on me to find a seat with Chrome following him. Dino-san was more hesitant ad he looked at me searchingly.

"I…" Suddenly a thoughtful look passed Dino-san's face before he shook his head and sigh. "Never mind. We're gonna have what you're having okay?" He said before turning to leave. I nodded as I watched him go to where Mukuro and Chrome were.

I looked up at where I was standing and I was bemused to find that we were already in front of the counter.

_I'm really out of it today. _I said to myself as the person at the counter greeted me nervously (due to what I was wearing).

"M-May I take your order…?" She said.

I smiled. "Yes, can I have the…"

I wish… I just wish my heart would _stop_ hurting already.

_Yamamoto…_

* * *

**Normal PoV**

Dino looked at the counter where the brunet was standing with a worried expression. Mukuro and Chrome were looking at the Cavallone boss in silence.

Mukuro sighed.

Dino raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to say something Mukuro?"

"Oh don't mind me… I was just having fun staring at your expression that's all." The Estraneo heir said with a casual shrug.

Dino shook his head. He could sense the sarcasm behind the words. "I'm sorry for being an overly worried and protective brother then…"

"Glad we have an understanding." Mukuro said and then he too, turned to look at Tsuna's small form. "You know, this whole sad business of the Vongola is leaving a bad taste in my mouth…"

Dino's eyes widened. "Mukuro… you're worried?"

"Oya, how presumptuous…" Mukuro said as he crossed his arms. "I am merely stating how much of annoyance the Vongola has been lately that's all."

"Boss is less cheerful than before." Chrome said quietly as she stared at her lap. "I wish we could do something to help."

"We could… convince him…" Dino said in a low voice as he watched Tsuna pick from the menu over yonder. "Convince him… to find other guardians… convince him… to forget about Yamamoto…"

Mukuro raised an eyebrow. "And you'd think he'd comply?" He asked in an unbelieving tone. "He is known for being stubborn after all."

"We could try…" Dino said in a sad tone. "I just don't want to see him so hurt anymore…"

"W-We can talk to the rain man…" Chrome said bashfully.

Dino shook his head. "We'd be revealing Tsuna's feelings for him in the process…"

"And that is wrong because…?"

"The choice Yamamoto will make after that…" Dino whispered as Tsuna began to walk towards them with a tray of drinks. "… It will just hurt Tsuna."

The three collapsed into silence as Tsuna placed the tray down in front of them. He smiled at them but it did not reach his eyes which were sad and distant.

Dino returned the smile forcefully.

* * *

**Tsuna's PoV**

I looked down at what I ordered. Burger, fries, cola… Nothing seemed out of place… But somehow, I couldn't help but think they looked better in the pictures.

I felt myself turn green.

Beside me, Dino-san was eating with enthusiasm. I guess the near death experience with Byakuran made him hungry. In front of me, Mukuro was eating casually, making sure to put elegance in every move he made. I could've snorted… While Chrome just ate shyly, just as I expected she would, since she was in front of three guys.

Uncertainly, I picked up a French fry and ate it in one swift movement. It tasted out of place and strangely bitter like a medicine. It didn't help pick up my appetite at all.

Suddenly I was distracted from my chagrin over fast food when Dino suddenly stood up. "S-Sorry, I have to go to the rest room." He said with a sheepish grin as he got out of our booth.

Mukuro sighed. "Me as well." My gaze followed the two in surprise as Chrome and I were left alone in the booth.

Silence reigned, as it usually did when I was with Chrome. She was a person who was too shy to strike up a conversation.

Not at all inconvenienced or uncomfortable by the silence, I stared back defiantly at the food before me. I began to take the fries three at a time, wanting to finish the food quickly.

"Boss…" Chrome's voice interrupted my 'moment' with the greasy potato strips in front of me.

I looked up at her, wiping my oily fingers on a table napkin. "Yes, Chrome? Is there something wrong?"

The violet-haired girl blushed as she shook her head. She looked at me and I was surprised how determined her visible eye was as it looked at me.

"Boss… I…" Chrome said quietly but then she breathed deeply in her next words. "I… I want to be your guardian."

Silence.

My eyes widened at the completely unexpected demand/request that left her mouth. "What?"

_What?_

Chrome breathed deeply again, trying to gain confidence from the oxygen she gathered. "I-I want to be your guardian…"

I blinked at her and then shook my head as I laughed a little. "Chrome, y-you can't be serious…" I said a little nervously. I never once had someone say something so boldly at me. "What about Mukuro…? Don't you want to stay in his family?"

And also… Yamamoto is…

_He's my only guardian. _I thought defiantly.

Chrome shook her head and my eyes widened even more. "I-I… I want Mukuro-sama to be your guardian too."

Again…

_What?_

"Chrome, that's…" I began but then she interrupted me.

"_Sometimes it's better to be alone. No one can hurt you that way…_" Chrome said as I froze and she looked at me. "Is that what you're thinking right now boss?"

"Wha-? No of course not!" I said with a shake of my head. "I don't even know what you're talking about." I looked at the table and my hands clenched as I said in a small voice. "Besides… I'm not alone… I have…"

_Who do I have?_

Yamamoto's face flashed in my mind.

_Oh yeah, that's right. I have Yamamoto. _I thought as I opened my mouth to say this, but then another image conjured itself in my mind and I choked. Yamamoto looking normal and happy with normal people… with other people who were _not _mafia bosses.

My heart broke.

_Who do I have?_

Reborn, Dino-san, Spanner, Irie, Chrome, Mukuro, grandpa… There were so many answers to that question.

But none of their faces popped into my mind like Yamamoto.

I'm so pathetic.

I looked up helplessly at Chrome who waited patiently at my answer. As though reading my thoughts, she reached forward and took my clenched hand. She looked at me quietly before she said, "You have us…"

I _knew_ that.

"Chrome…"

But I _wish_ my heart did too.

"Boss, when you hurt here…" She placed a hand on her chest as she closed her eye. "We hurt as well…"

I looked at her sadly as she squeezed my hand.

"Sometimes you think, that being alone is for the best…" Chrome said quietly. "And I understand… I know this is the reason why you don't share your pain with us… Why you want to handle it yourself."

I closed my eyes, letting the soft voice convince my shaking heart.

"Mukuro-sama and I have gone through that." She stated. "We kept to ourselves, we were quiet when the Estraneo took us in. We didn't tell them what happened to us and we suffered the burden of our own pain and secret…"

I slowly opened my eyes and they widened when I saw Chrome looking at me tearfully.

"But boss… when we did start to say something, when we started to talk… It was such a huge _relief_." Chrome sniffled. "We let other people hear our pains and we cried as other people comforted us… It was the best feeling. Slowly, we felt the sadness our hearts were carrying vanish. We began to _heal_."

"Chrome…" I said as I took her hand. "I'm sorry- I-"

Chrome shook her head as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's fine boss… As long as you understand…"

There was silence as I bit my lip.

"About your proposal…" I began and Chrome looked at me with a slightly red eye. I felt my heart break slightly at that and I swallowed my pride. "C-Can I… Can I think about it?"

Chrome smiled at me and I felt my heart lighten just a tiny bit. "Of course boss."

And unable to help myself, I smiled back.

* * *

"That was filling!" Dino-san said as he, Mukuro, Chrome, and I came out of the fast food restaurant. "That was a good change from the usual. Food made by brilliant chefs can be tiring sometimes right Tsuna?"

I looked at my surrogate brother and smiled. "Right."

Mukuro cleared his throat as he looked at the blonde bronco. "My, for the boss of the Cavallone, you sure are carefree. Don't you have a meeting or something?"

I watched in slight amusement as Dino-san's eyes widened comically at Mukuro's question. He looked out his cell phone and cursed in Italian. "I forgot about that! Romario's going to kill me!"

Dino-san is still the same klutz I remember.

"Kufufu, well I guess this is where we part ways?" Mukuro said and a black car suddenly stopped in front of them. "The sky is beginning to darken and my dear Chrome and I would like to get back before it rains."

I looked up and just noticed the dark gray clouds covering the sky. Oh right, I didn't have an umbrella. Thank you for reminding me, rain clouds.

"I have to go too!" Dino said frantically. "I'm going to get an earful if I don't."

I nodded as Chrome and Mukuro's driver stepped out of the car to open the door for the two.

"We shall be going then." Mukuro said with a slight wave of his hand. "Until next time."

"Boss, take care." Chrome said with a polite bow as she entered after Mukuro.

The driver closed the door after them as he went back to the front and entered the car. He started the engine and I watched the black tinted windows as the car left. I had a feeling that the two were watching me.

"Well then Tsuna…" I looked up, almost forgetting that Dino was still there. "I'll see you?" He said with a smile.

I nodded. "Next time…" I could feel it starting to rain as water drops hit my skin and my eyes, blurring my vision slightly as I blinked.

Dino stood there for a moment and I vaguely wondered why he wasn't leaving yet. "Dino-san?"

"Before I leave… There's something I have to give to you."The Cavallone boss bit his lip and I watched as he placed a hand into his jacket and pulled out a familiar box. My eyes widened as he handed it to me. "Here."

"This is…" I whispered as I took the Vongola boss. I opened it, and the six other rings of my guardians shined despite the dark sky.

"The ninth gave it to me before I left Italy." Dino said quietly. "He said to give it to you."

My hands began to shake as I felt my heart beat quickly against my ribs. "N-No, I-I can't… Yamamoto i-is the only one…" I said as I extended the box back to Dino but then he stopped me with his hand. It felt so warm against mine.

"You can't have only one guardian." He said softly. "You're the Vongola boss… A lot of people want to protect you… And those people… you can make them you guardians like Yamamoto is."

"B-But I can't." I said numbly. "I-I can't take away a-another person's happiness… I just can't."

Dino's hands tightened around mine. "You're not taking anyone's happiness away Tsuna. If you don't want them to be hurt, then just protect them."

"But I-I can't even…" I swallowed thickly as my eyes burned. "I can't e-even protect myself… How can I protect Yamamoto? How can I protect anyone?"

"Get stronger." Dino said easily and he made it sound so easy too.

I shook my head. "I can't. I'm weak." I said tiredly. I can't even build a strong enough wall around my heart to keep it from hurting.

But then Dino surprised me when he suddenly let go of my hands and hugged me. "You're not. You're the strongest person I've ever met."

I closed my eyes, letting his warmth envelope me.

"How-?"

_How can you say that?_

"Because you can love so much…" He whispered. "You can love a person so much that you'd rather hurt yourself than say anything… That takes a lot of strength Tsuna."

I laughed lightly without humor. "Doesn't that just make me masochistic?"

Dino's arms tightened around me. "It doesn't. It's what makes you strong."

I was silent as he spoke his next words.

"People are usually afraid to carry the emotions you feel Tsuna. They're afraid to feel so strongly about a person, to feel so affectionate for someone…" Dino whispered.

"Why…?"

"Because we're human beings." Dino stated simply. "We can't live forever and someday we'll die. And when the person we love dies, it creates a lot of pain and breaks our hearts…"

I froze at what Dino said.

"That's why, we human beings, unconsciously stop ourselves from liking- _loving _someone. We always hesitate…" Dino said softly. "But you don't… and that's what makes you strong."

"Or stupid…" I said quietly and Dino laughed.

"You jumped in front of a bullet Yamamoto could dodge just to save him…" Dino said bemused. "Sure it was pretty stupid… but that required bravery."

My eyes softened at what Dino said as he let go. "You're an amazing person little brother. You're brave and strong… You can handle protecting six new people in your family." Dino stated. "That is… if you choose to let these people into your life…"

I looked down quietly at the now wet asphalt as the rain around us began to pour down heavily. My bangs shadowed my eyes as I repeated the words I said to Chrome. "C-Can I think about it?"

"That would be a good start." Dino said as he patted my head. He looked at his watch and the cool-aura he presented as he acted like a big brother vanished as he began to panic. "Oh shoot, it's really late! I really have to get going!" He said as he turned around breaking into a run. But then he paused and turned to smile and wave at me. "Next time okay, Tsuna?"

I raised a hand, smiled, and waved weakly at him as he vanished at the next corner. When he was gone, I dropped my hand and the smile on my face. The rain had become a downpour, wetting my hair, making my bangs stick to my forehead and to the sides of my face.

I looked at the box in my hand silently before pocketing it in my cloak. The rain poured harder as I began to walk towards home.

No umbrella and no ride for me today.

I bit my lip as I shivered while I walk.

_Walk home drowning these memories in the rain, biting my lip to transfer this pain, you're not here and I'm still going through withdrawals, next time around I'll build a stronger wall…_

* * *

**Normal PoV**

It was one in the morning, and Tsuna was still not back from his meeting with the Cielo Family. Yamamoto was pacing back and forth with a worried expression. Gokudera had gone home hours ago, thoroughly bored that Tsuna wasn't there. When the bomber had gone, anxiety had replaced the smile on the rain guardian's face quickly.

He realized how stupid it was to have let Tsuna gone ahead by himself.

The driver had returned several hours ago as well. He had stated that Tsuna and his three other bodyguards had gone for some lunch at a nearby fast food restaurant and for a quick moment Yamamoto was relieved.

But as seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours… Anxiety overrode his senses again and he couldn't help but wait by the front door for Tsuna's return.

Which brings us back to the _pacing…_

Yamamoto's hand had been itching for several minutes. He wanted to grab his katana and rush out into the night to look for Tsuna but a text from his boss earlier had stopped him from doing that.

_I'm on my way home._

Of course, dinner had been prepared once the message was received. A glass of milk, warm soup, French bread, some strangely named Italian foods were at the table slowly getting colder with each passing second… the usual. Lunch was hours ago and Tsuna was definitely hungry. This Yamamoto knew.

"Tsuna…" Yamamoto murmured for the umpteenth time and he stopped as he gazed at the oak doors. He frowned as he decided that, yes, Tsuna was _very _late. And yes, he was going to get him now since it was ridiculous to be out at _one_ in the morning.

However, just as Yamamoto grabbed a coat from a nearby coat rack, the door opened and a very wet brunet entered the scene with droopy eyes and a hunched form.

For a few seconds, the two froze in their spots looking at each other in confusion.

"Yamamoto?" Tsuna asked in a slurred voice as he rubbed his eyes.

The rain guardian broke into a grin. "Tsuna!" He said as he rushed forward to hug the brunet but then he jumped away when he felt the wetness make contact with his skin. "You're wet!"

"U-Uh… yeah, took a detour and I had no umbrella." Tsuna mumbled and just like that, Yamamoto was off to get some towels and a basin of hot water.

When he came back, Tsuna had collapsed tiredly on a nearby chair. Yamamoto worriedly placed a towel around the shivering brunet as he instructed the other to put his feet in the basin. "Have you eaten dinner?"

On cue, Tsuna stomach rumbled and the brunet blushed as his eyes widened. Yamamoto chuckled. "I'll take that as a no." And with that, he was off to relocate the food on the dining table to the living room table.

"Here, eat some of this so you'll feel better." Yamamoto said, noticing the flushed cheeks of his boss as he gave him the bowl of soup.

"T-Thanks." Tsuna shivered as he sipped lightly. Yamamoto plopped down next to the brunet and placed an arm around the boss as Tsuna nearly dropped the bowl due to shock.

"Y-Yamamoto what are you doing?" Tsuna said and his face reddened even more when Yamamoto rubbed his shoulders.

The rain guardian smile. "Keeping you warm of course."

Tsuna blushed fiercely as he felt himself relaxing against the strong arms. "Fine. Suit yourself." He was too tired to argue.

Yamamoto smiled as he pulled the other close to him while Tsuna focused on his soup trying to distract himself. They reveled in companionable silence.

"Want me to help you take a hot bath later?"

Tsuna almost dropped the bowl again.

"Yamamoto!"

"Hahaha! What?"

Tsuna looked away embarrassed as his childhood friend continued to laugh. Yamamoto didn't see the softening of brown eyes as he continued to rub the shoulders soothingly.

Tsuna's eyes shadowed as his grip on the bowl tightened.

_The only person I need is Yamamoto…_

_I know that and yet…_

Tsuna frowned as he felt the box inside his wet cloak. He remembered what Dino said and what Chrome requested.

_And yet, should I consider getting other guardians…?_

_Should I?_


	6. I'm Going to Smile

**Author's note:** Update, update like crazy! I hope everyone enjoys this and please don't kill me if you feel like your heart is dying. Haha! And before I forget, to my readers:

I want to formally extend an **invitation** to you guys to join our _**8027 famiglia **_in facebook. For all the M writers: _MinaNaru4ever- 8027 forever, Dodonchka, Anonymous Santa, The Cold Storyteller and Dark Bee and IEatNinjas _**are there**. To the fluff writers: _KHFFMEE-8027, LoveOneself, 8027lover7280, and RainMistTakeshi _**are there too.**

* * *

**Holding onto My Heart**

**_Chapter 6_**

_I'm going to smile like nothing's wrong, talk like everything's perfect, act like it's just a dream, and pretend that he's not hurting me._

* * *

**Tsunayoshi's PoV**

I was up early again that day. I couldn't sleep because the words Chrome and Dino-san said to me still haunted my mind.

_You have us…_

_A lot of people want to protect you…_

But I'm not _strong _enough to protect those people. And I'm not worthy enough to be protected by those people…

"And yet you _have _to be protected by those people." A voice suddenly made me freeze and turn abruptly. My eyes widened when I saw Reborn leaning against the doorway. Oh right, he was here.

"R-Reborn…" I exhaled as I placed a hand on my chest. "Don't scare me like that."

Reborn shook his head frowning at me. "You make it sound as if I'm a ghost or a monster that lurks on the early hours of the morning. Let me remind you that I'm not the one wandering the corridors at late hours."

I flushed darkly as I crossed my arms. "Sorry for being a monster then." Reborn sighed but then he straightened up and walked towards me.

"Here." He said as he handed me some files. I raised an eyebrow as I accepted the folders and opened them.

"These are?" I asked and Reborn huffed.

"Candidates for your guardians." I froze at what he said and my eyes stared blankly at the first page. Reborn noticed my reaction but he plowed on mercilessly. "You're making the right decision Dame-Tsuna. Don't act so surprised that I've already collected data for your candidate guardians."

"I…" My mouth felt dry as I closed the files. "I didn't ask you to do this."

"You're welcome." Reborn stated in contrast to what I said. I bit my lip.

"I haven't decided-"

"Well, I'm deciding for you." Reborn said in a forceful tone that made me freeze. His eyes were hard like a rock and he stared at me with a disapproving face I had only seen once. "You're clumsy and stupid and you think you can handle every problem on your own! You're overbearing and selfish and you don't think your actions through! Dame-Tsuna, what will it take for you to see that keeping only one guardian to protect _you_, the future of the Vongola, will lead to your demise! What will make you open your eyes?"

I bit my lip in frustration as I looked at Reborn's angry obsidian eyes. "Nothing. My eyes are already open."

"Then what are you hesitating for?"

"I'm not hesitating." I said and I saw Reborn give me a look that said he didn't believe me even one bit. "I-I'm just thinking things thoroughly." I stated and for the gist of it, I added, "For a change…"

Reborn sighed but then smirked despite himself. "Very well. Tomorrow a worthy candidate from the Bovino Family is coming. Be sure to entertain him. I expect he'd be an integral part of the family. But don't tell him I said that. I don't want his head to get big."

The number one hitman turned his back on me and I watched him leave. I turned to look at the brightening sky and inside I felt my heart become heavier.

_Once again, I was going to drag someone into the dark abyss I had been born into._

I hugged the folder to my chest as I started walking to my room to read the files over.

* * *

I yawned as I walked out of my study while holding a cup of coffee. It was seven in the morning and our classes begun at seven thirty. Knowing that Yamamoto was going to sleep in, I decided to make a courtesy visit to his room.

Knock! Knock!

"Yamamoto?" I called before I opened the door to his room with one hand. The familiar image of Yamamoto sprawled messily on top of his queen-sized bed met my sight and unable to help it, a fond smile lit up my features.

I placed my cup on his nightstand before I sat on the edge of his bed to wake him up. "Yamamoto, wake up or we're going to be late." I pushed him gently but he continued to snore softly. I sighed in exasperation. "Oi Yamamo-! Oof!"

Strong arms suddenly pulled me down onto the bed with surprising force. I didn't see it coming so I just fell below Yamamoto with a surprised yelp. I heard the older one groan slightly as he squeezed me onto the bed.

"Y-Yamamoto!" I gasped out as I tried to struggle. I also tried flailing but Yamamoto was _really _strong. After several seconds I just gave up getting out of his arms alive.

_Really, such bad luck. _I stated as I looked up at Yamamoto's sleeping face. A sad smile made its way to my face as I reached up a hand to place it against his face. The rain guardian leaned against the touch.

"Yamamoto…" I said as I placed both hands on the sides of his face. I could feel his warm breath fanning my bangs. I felt my heart beat faster and I felt the emotions I kept locked up overflow as my heart constricted in pain. "You know I- I've always…" I closed my eyes as I felt my eyes burn.

_I-I've a-always-_

"Gokudera…" My eyes snapped open when I heard this name slip through my sleeping guardian's lips. My eyes widened and unwillingly tears formed at the corner of my eyes.

_-l-loved y-you…_

Oh, Yamamoto…

"Hayato…" A tear ran down my cheek as I closed my eyes and hiccupped at the name that came out of his lips. I felt like my heart was being broken into little pieces and as though, breaking my heart wasn't enough, it also felt like it was being crushed into dust.

I bit my lip, refusing to let a cry come out as I buried my face into Yamamoto's chest. I wanted to hurt him so much. To punch him and let him feel a tiny bit of my pain.

All I wanted was for him to take away the pain and loneliness I felt ever since I was a child. But what right did I have to get that wish? What right did I have to hurt him when all I've ever caused him ever since we were kids was pain, confusion, and fear?

What right did I have to _love _someone like him and hoped to be loved back?

Silence.

I don't know how long I stayed that way. How long did I cling to Yamamoto as though we were children again? I don't know why I didn't let go, despite all the pain I felt… And I don't understand why I still keep loving him even though he would be clearly happier loving someone else…

Because really, a person can love for only so long right?

"T-Tsuna…?" A croaked voice ushered me back to my surroundings. It seemed like I fell asleep beside Yamamoto while crying.

Another pathetic display for a boss.

I hid my face from the other as I felt Yamamoto finally move away. I tried not to flinch as the warmth of his body was replaced by the cold.

"Tsuna, how long have you been there?" I heard him yawn as he stretched his arms. He watched as I sat up, my bangs covering my eyes. Realizing that I was too silent, he added in worry, "I'm sorry, are you still mad about yesterday?"

I flinched at what he said. Oh right, yesterday. The day he made me go alone to the Cielo Family meeting. The day he chose Gokudera…

…over me.

I clenched my fists and I smiled at him brightly. "W-What? No! Of course I'm not mad at you! I just came here to wake you up that's all! But you suddenly pulled on me and I fell asleep because I couldn't mo-! Oof!"

My eyes widened once more when strong arms suddenly enveloped me into a hug. Yamamoto was hugging me, and he wasn't sleeping!

But…

…why?

"Tsuna… Tsuna what's wrong?" He whispered to me and I felt myself shake. "You look like you're about to cry! Did something happen?"

I trembled delicately in Yamamoto's arms and on my side, my fists clenched.

Why?

_Why?_

Why is it that the moment that I decided to let you go…

…you pull me back in?

Tears ran down my cheeks as my face scrunched up in pain. Forcefully, I wiped them away before I pushed Yamamoto back with a strained smile.

"A-Ahaha, what are y-you talking about Yamamoto?" I hid my eyes behind my bangs. I hastily stood up to leave. "A-Anyway, you should hurry and get changed. W-We're already late for school."

"Wait Tsuna -!"

BAM! I closed the door with as much force as I could before running away as fast as I could.

I couldn't take seeing Yamamoto's worried eyes and gentle smiles…

…while knowing _fully well_, that he didn't belong to me.

* * *

At school…

"Okay I want everyone to find a partner for this assignment." I automatically looked up at the words the teacher uttered.

Find a _what_?

Of course, the moment those words were uttered, everyone immediately turned to their seatmate or else stood up to go ask the most popular person in class.

I got a few requests myself.

"S-Sawada-san, y-you know I-I'm really good with this subject, so… d-do you want to be partners?"

While others were just plain blackmail…

"Hey Sawada, I'll let you play with my new psp, it has all the-!"

"Uwaa! No fair! Look Sawada-kun! If you become my partner I'll buy you all the snacks you can eat-!"

"Hey get away! I have a better proposition for you-!"

But I wasn't really paying any attention to these people. I had no interest in the objects or grades they had to offer. There was actually just _one_ person I had been partnered throughout the beginning of the year before Gokudera transferred.

"Ahaha, maa, maa… stop pushing!" Yamamoto stated with a smile as girls crowded around him as usual. Not faraway, Gokudera was also being mobbed by girls and some guys who thought the delinquent was cool.

"G-Get away from me annoying women! I have to go and partner up with jyuudaime! I said l-let go!" Gokudera shouted. My eyes turned back to Yamamoto who was giving the bomber a sideway glance.

Of course.

But then to my surprise, Yamamoto turned to look at me. I saw his amber eyes widen as though just remembering I was there too. My chest constricted in pain. A smile formed on those lips as Yamamoto opened his mouth to call out to me. "Hey Tsuna do you-?"

I looked away before he could finish his sentence and I didn't have to look up to know that he was stunned at my breaking of our eye contact. I stood up from my seat and pushed passed the people who groaned in disappointment at my refusal.

I could hear Gokudera calling to me. "Jyuudaime! Jyuudaime! Over here jyuudaime! I want to be your-! Oi! I said let go of me stupid women!"

I ignored the bomber's calls and I walked passed Yamamoto's seat. I felt him reach out to grab me by the shoulders but I dodged it as I walked towards another desk which was being mobbed by guys.

"Excuse me…" I stated to the person sitting on the desk. She was one of the popular girls in school. She was known for her kindness and cuteness. Her eyes and hair-color were both orange making her stand out.

Orange eyes blinked at me in astonishment and I smiled at the girl as the guys backed up in curiosity.

Now, what was the name of this girl again?

"Oi Sawada, what do you want with Sasagawa-chan?" One boy grumbled and mentally I thanked him.

"Nothing that important." I said nonchalantly and I looked back at the girl called 'Sasagawa-chan'. "I just wanted to ask Sasagawa-chan if she wanted to be my partner."

The whole room went into silent mode.

"EH?"

The girl before me blinked at what I had suddenly asked. I saw her eyes looked at me in curiosity and suspicion but I had this vague sense from my intuition that she won't refuse me thanks to that curiosity. She gave me a smile that rivaled my own. "I would be glad to Sawada-san."

More silence.

"NO!" The boys screamed in disappointment and I just continued to smile at Sasagawa. In the corner of my eyes I saw Gokudera knocked out due to shock while Yamamoto had his lips pressed in a firm line.

I knew he was suspecting me for avoiding him.

_Gomen Yamamoto. _I thought as everyone retreated back to sit down with their partners. I pulled a seat next to Kyoko and in the back of my mind I was mentally aware that Yamamoto had in one way or the other, convinced Gokudera to be partnered up with him.

My eyes grew sad as I watched Gokudera grumbling in complaint before sitting down next to my rain guardian.

What was I doing now?

Even I don't know the answer to that. Maybe I've finally started to get the gist that avoiding Yamamoto was for the best, or else maybe I'm avoiding him out of guilt or something…

Or maybe I was just tired of feeling so much pain when I'm beside him, that I wanted to push away the hurt that I feel for the moment so that I could think clearly…

Or maybe, I just didn't want him to choose between me and Gokudera, and watch him choose the wrong path (me) again…

Maybe, just maybe… I wanted him to be happy…

"Sawada-kun what do you think?" A voice suddenly called me out of my trance and I looked up startled.

"U-Uhm w-what? I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention." I laughed and the girl Sasagawa just gave me a kind smile.

"The teacher told us to pick a sport to do an essay on. I was thinking of doing boxing since my brother is the captain of the boxing club and it would be easier to get information." She stated and I blinked.

"You have a brother here Sasagawa-chan?" I asked and she nodded.

"Yes, Sasagawa Ryohei is his name. Oh speaking of which, Sawada-kun, please call me 'Kyoko-chan' instead of Sasagawa-chan… I don't want you to get confused when we interview my brother." She stated and I nodded.

"Ah that's right. If you don't mind then." I stated politely.

"I don't mind as long as in return I get to call you 'Tsuna-kun'." Kyoko-chan said sweetly. I blinked.

"T-Tsuna-kun?"

"Yes. I hear Yamamoto-kun call you Tsuna all the time! A nickname from 'Tsunayoshi' right?" And the moment she said 'Yamamoto-kun' my heart doubled in speed.

_Yamamoto…_

"O-Oh yeah… It's a habit he developed when we were kids. He thought my name was a mouthful so he shortened it to 'Tsuna' instead." I smiled forcefully. I saw Kyoko-chan blink in astonishment.

"Ano… Sawa-no I mean, Tsuna-kun, are you alright?" She asked me and my eyes crinkled in curiosity.

Why does everyone seem to ask me that a lot?

"Yes, I'm fine." I said in astonishment. "Why do you ask?"

Kyoko shook her head. "I-It's nothing… I-It's just, why do you look so sad when you're smiling Tsuna-kun?"

I blinked and deciding to play a fool I said, "Ah really? Do I really look _that_ sad?"

Kyoko-chan nodded and I laughed in apology.

"A-Ah, I'm sorry. It must be because of my stomachache."

"Eh?" It looks like she bought that story. "You have a stomachache? Have you gone to the clinic yet?"

"N-No, but I already took my medicine… so I'll be fine." I assured her.

"Oh, if you say so then…" She stated as she took out her notebook and began to write stuff regarding our essay. I nodded along as she spoke of when we will meet for the assignment, although I really wasn't paying attention to what she said afterwards.

I was too busy looking over at Yamamoto who seemed to be having the time of his life with Gokudera.

Little did I notice the worried glance my new partner sent me.

* * *

The ride home was as awkward as it has ever been with Yamamoto and I on the back seat of the car. Even the driver had sensed the tension the moment we had entered and he had lowered the music from the radio, thus letting the tension build up between me and my rain guardian.

I was looking out of the window, an earphone inserted in my left ear so as to avoid conversation. But I should've known better.

Yamamoto wouldn't let a single device get in the way of our talking.

"Tsuna." His tone was soft and yet despite the loud baring music on my earphone, I still heard him.

I chose to ignore him though, for my own convenience.

"Tsuna." He said again and I pursed my lips as I stared out of the black tinted windows of the car in concentration.

Suddenly I felt some shifting inside the car and before I knew it, my rain guardian was already sitting beside me, pulling off my earphones.

"Hey, what do you-!" But then I was stopped by a hand on my mouth. My eyes widened when I saw serious amber eyes staring back at me. I looked away at the intensity of his gaze.

"Tsuna, please look at me." And when I didn't comply, I felt him sigh in exasperation. "I don't know what happened Tsuna. You seemed fine last night but this morning… I know you're avoiding me, so you don't have to pretend otherwise."

I didn't say anything as he continued.

"Tsuna if this is about yesterday… if it's because I didn't accompany you to the Cielo Family meeting, well then… I'm sorry." Yamamoto stated and I felt my heart skip a beat. "You know as well as I do why I had to stay behind, if the two of us had gone, Gokudera would've-"

"Stop it, Yamamoto." My bangs were shadowing my eyes and I felt Yamamoto look at me in surprise as he removed his hand from my mouth. "I know the reason why you stayed behind and I don't dislike you for it."

Silence.

Yamamoto sighed in relief. "Tsuna, thank you. I'm really-"

"But you know Yamamoto, the Cielo family was…" I began but Yamamoto interrupted me.

"But I knew you could handle them Tsuna! You're strong! The Cielo family is just-"

"It wasn't the Cielo Family that met me at that restaurant, Yamamoto." I said and I felt my guardian freeze.

"What?"

_What am I saying?_

"Byakuran Gesso took over the Cielo weeks ago, and he assumed the position as Cielo head." I said and my eyes were half-lidded and tired as I recalled what happened. "The one who invited me to that meeting was Byakuran."

_Why am I doing this?_

"B-Byakuran…" Yamamoto's face was pale and I felt a sick sense of satisfaction at seeing that expression. "T-Tsuna, y-you…"

"He said he was interested with the impression I left on him _last time_." And I knew Yamamoto knew what I meant by _last time_.

_Why am I hurting Yamamoto with these words?_

"B-But y-you're fine right? N-Nothing happened right?" I could hear the fear and worry in his tone and for a moment I felt disgusted with myself.

_Do I want him to regret not coming with me, that much?_

"I'm fine. Reborn sent Mukuro, Chrome, and Dino-san to be my bodyguards so I'm fine." I stated with a small smile and Yamamoto froze at that.

_I'm such a horrible person._

"T-Tsuna… I…" Yamamoto began but then he was interrupted when the door to the car opened.

"Decimo-sama, we're home." The driver said as he bowed. I nodded my head in appreciation as I gently removed myself from Yamamoto's grasp.

"Thank you. Good work for today." I said as I stepped out of the car and hurried towards the open doors of the mansion leaving Yamamoto staring after me with a regretful face.

_I'm sorry Yamamoto._

_It seems like all I can really do is cause you more pain and worry._

_This is why I've decided to pull away from you._

_This is why I've decided to get other guardians._

_I don't want you to carry the burden of protecting me anymore._

_And also, I don't want to hurt anymore…_

_Having you by my side was selfish. I realize that now._

_That's why, for both our sakes, I'll be the first to pull away._

_Please don't call out to me, don't make me look back._

_Don't take my hand anymore and don't remind me of the reason why letting you go is so painful…_

_Because if you do, I'll just come running back to you…_

_And we can't have that now, can we?_

"TSUNA!"

I closed my eyes as I stopped and looked back unwillingly. Yamamoto had run after me, and for the life of me, I couldn't find it in myself to run away. He stopped in front of me and took my hands, his warm amber eyes full of regret.

"Tsuna, I'm so sorry. I swear I'll do a better job of protecting you next time." He said in a rush of words and despite my hesitation, I felt a rush of warmth in my heart. "Can you please forgive me?"

_Will you give him another chance?_

My hands clenched and I bit my lip in frustration. My hands he was holding were shaking.

_No, I have to let go…_

But…

I held Yamamoto's hands and smiled as I felt my heart tremble at the decision I took. "Yes, I forgive you." And Yamamoto smiled back.

Oh, why do I like hurting myself so much?


End file.
